Talking with a sibling about sex
Q.I’ve had you for sex ed, and I remember learning a lot. Here’s my problem. My younger sister is now 13. We’ve moved away and the place where she goes to school has no sex ed at all. My mom is uncomfortable talking with her. Our dad isn’t part of our lives. I actually think I could teach my sister. Like I said, I remember your class and it’s helped me, even in college. How do I go about starting this conversation? And is it strange that I’m her big brother, not a big sister (it’s just the two of us)? We’re pretty close. Thanks for answering.
– 20-year-old
Mary Jo’s response: It’s great to be remembered, thanks. When a student like you tells a teacher like me he learned a lot from her class it’s a great gift!
I’m also pleased you’re involved in your sister’s life. Family matters. Of course, you can teach her about important life lessons like relationships and sexuality. Many adults think “the talk” is all young people need. I disagree. In today’s world, young people need ongoing education taught by example. I hope you realize you’re already her role model for healthy choices. She watches you!
Starting this conversation is a commitment. You’re not her parent, though, so the first step I’d like you to take involves your mom. How do you know your mom is uncomfortable with the topic of sexuality? Have you had an honest conversation with her? As a parent, she needs to know what’s happening with your sister. Her values need to be expressed. Your first step is talking with your mother. Give her a chance to share. I’m guessing she never had “the talk” with you, yet she signed a parent form giving you permission to attend my class. She must be OK with the topic.
If your mom is comfortable with you becoming the primary source for your sister’s information on sexuality, you may begin. Have you considered the idea of talking with your sister while your mom is present? You mention college. Are you home often? Will your sister have someone to talk with in your absence? When I teach my parent/youth classes on growing up I do most of the teaching, but parents are present and are engaged in the learning activities. If your mom is included, your sister will have two adult role models.
If your mom isn’t comfortable with your sister’s education on sexuality, you’ll need to try to ascertain her fear. Most adults who hold back information on sex do so out of anxiety. Young women can get pregnant. Research is clear – information on sexuality lowers teen pregnancy rates, yet many people are confused. Knowledge about sex doesn’t make young people have sex. If your mom’s hesitancy is linked to fear, not discomfort with the topic, please be respectful and connect with me. I’ll be happy to talk with her.
Let’s say you have a green light from your mom. She wants you to be the primary educator for your sister. Here are some tips:
1. Be sensitive to your sister’s needs: You ask if it’s strange that you’re her big brother, not her big sister. Ask your sister how she feels. Your relationship with her is more important than your gender. Are you close enough to open this door? It sounds as if you are. Tell her how much you want to be there for her. Share your desire to be the adult she can talk with when she falls in love or has questions about sex.
2. Less is more: Start small and build up as she connects with you. Begin with the topics most 13-year-olds are interested in: relationships and love. All teens are unique, so there’s no one “curriculum” that fits all. Let your sister guide you. You’re not alone. Use outside resources like my friend Deborah Roffman’s wonderful book “Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids’ ‘Go-To’ Person about Sex.”
3. Be open: Don’t assume she’s already having sex or is even interested in sexual involvement. Don’t assume she isn’t interested. Don’t assume your sister is heterosexual. Don’t assume she’s not. Just don’t assume.
4. Set the stage: Do you remember when we set guidelines in class? You need to create a safe place for her. She needs to know she is respected and her feelings will be validated. Articulate the obvious. Say, “I’m your brother, and your well-being means a lot to me.”
5. Listen to her: Learn the gift of actively listening to her concerns. Discover what she knows and what she wants to know. Does she have a crush on someone? Are her friends involved with partners? What is she hearing at the lunch table at school? Is she confused about jokes?
6. Step back: As a big brother you may be overprotective. Can you teach her without judgment?
I’ll be happy to meet with you and your sister if you wish, but I’m confident you’ve got this. Keep in touch.
Peer Educator response
We think it’s great for a big brother to help his sister understand sexuality. It gives her a guy’s point of view. If it’s awkward, he could talk to one of his female friends to get her view. Since he is experienced from MJ’s sex ed class, he’ll know how to talk about sex without being too overwhelming.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.