Pansexual: What does it mean?
Q.I think you’re the best person to answer this question. I want to know if I have to give myself a “label” for my sexual orientation. I really hate labels, but my parents (who are pretty accepting – for parents) keep asking me, “What are you?” I don’t know what to tell them. I know that I don’t fit into a “straight” mold. I also know that I don’t think I want to be limited by the words “gay” or “bisexual.” I’ve read about pansexual online, but when I try to explain that word my parents get confused. Can you explain what that means? And why do I need to put a name to who (not what) I am? I haven’t even had sex yet. And, yes to adults who read this, if you put this in your column, it’s possible for a person to have a sexual attraction before having sex. Thanks!
17-year-old
Mary Jo’s response: You absolutely do not need to give yourself a label. Many people try to put others into boxes based on their differences. Labels can be limiting. You owe no one a definition of yourself. Self-concept (how we see ourselves) and self-worth (how we measure our worth) are deeply personal; your sexuality is your own. Each person is a person of worth.
On the other hand, self-assigned labels can be comforting and link us with people with whom we connect. I define myself as an Italian American in honor of my parents and because I treasure the values of family, home and faith they gave me. One label does not define me. I’m a mother, a wife, a teacher, a nurse and a person grateful to be able to share my life with amazing young people. Your sexuality is one part of you. I believe it is an important part and one others should respect.
I’m glad you feel your parents are accepting. I’m glad you talk with them. I’d like to play a little game with you. Imagine switching roles with your parents. You’re the adult and they are 17. They appear confused about their sexuality. They are unhappy when you ask them to explain their sexual attraction. You ask, not because you want to change them, but because you want to know how to support them. You remember being 17. You’re concerned. You wonder. Are your 17-year-olds happy? Are they depressed? How would you approach connecting with those “pretend” 17-year-olds? How would you try to understand them?
Now, switch back. You’re 17 again. I’m sure you’re relieved! Do you feel a tiny bit of empathy toward your parents? Empathy happens when one person tries to understand another person’s experience. During our role play, I hope you began to have empathy for your mom and dad. I also hope they will begin to have empathy for you.
If you don’t want to assign a label to your sexual orientation, you should not do so. I suggest trying to open up to your parents. Picture yourself having a conversation with them. You have the strength and the courage. It sounds as if you’ve put a lot of thought into your question to me. Take the next step and share those thoughts with the adults who are most important in your life.
You asked me to explain pansexual. You may smile at my answer. When a young person uses such words to define self, I typically ask, “Can you tell me what pansexual means to you?” I do so for two reasons:
1. I genuinely want to know what the young person means. I don’t want to assume.
2. Terms change so very quickly these days. I’m actually unsure.
I’ll give you an example. When I was 17, the word “queer” was often seen as an insult. In today’s world, many people embrace the word and find it helps them describe how they feel. Queer is increasingly the term people are using to define more fluid/nonheterosexual identities.
To my knowledge, the term pansexual is complicated. Some people consider pansexual to mean sexual expression of all kinds. Others define pansexual to mean attraction to another person regardless of where they stand on the gender or sexuality spectrum. It is typically seen as more inclusive than bisexual. I hope that helps you and your parents.
Finally, I agree with your last statement. The experience of having sex does not create sexual attraction. Adolescence is a time of discovery. Figuring out who you are is huge. You are also correct – you are a “who,” not a “what.” I honor your individuality and respect who you are.
Let’s continue this conversation. I’m happy to meet with you or with you and your parents.
Peer Educator response:
You are never limited by those labels! You don’t need to say that you are straight or gay or anything. It is OK to be confused, because sexuality can be confusing. It can take longer than you could imagine to figure out yourself. All you ever need to say is that you are human!
Youth Champions
Shout out to Joyce Ellis and all the panelists at the Lemoyne Community Center Black History Month program on Tuesday. Our Black History Month essay winners, Serena Green and Zhiere Patman, read their essays, and our first-place Washington’s Got Talent winner, Brianna King, gifted us with an outstanding a cappella rendition of “Amazing Grace.”
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.