Jul 8, 2015 5 min read

Q.I’m a parent and I have a question. How much do I need to put up with my son’s friends? They’re good kids. It’s their parents that make me crazy. My son is a great kid. It’s like he’s not able to say no to any person. I end up with three or four kids at our house every weekend. I don’t get these kinds of parents. How can their kids be at my house for three days without them checking? No one ever offers to help pay for pizza or cereal. Thirteen-year-old boys can eat! It’s not that I mind, as long as my son is happy. I just want to know. How common is this? Should I talk with these parents? Shouldn’t they offer to reciprocate and invite my son to their homes?

Mary Jo’s response: Parenting is a challenging job. When I taught childbirth preparation, so many people focused on the birth; seldom do we prepare for the reality of parenting. Children have no owner’s manual to guide us! It sounds like you’re doing something right. When a 13-year-old is interested in staying home and brings friends to his house, his comfort with his parents is high. You’re raising a child with character who cares about others. Congratulations.

Being the “Kool-Aid parent” means you not only get to spend time with your child, you are also able to monitor his friendships. Friends are vital in early adolescence. Your influence remains first. Parents matter. Knowing who his friends are and casually observing them can help you guide your son as he matures.

Yes, the other parents ideally should reciprocate. You certainly have the right to request support from them. I also recommend you ask the boys to check in with their parents daily. Yes, I think you should talk with these parents. Don’t assume parents aren’t interested (although I can see how you might have such an impression). Each family has its own culture and its own ideas about parenting. What you perceive as apathy could be a parent fostering independence. It’s possible these parents may not have the means or the time to reciprocate. Sadly, their reasons don’t excuse their behavior, nor does it make you feel less put upon.

Ultimately, you have control over your home and can decide who stays with your son. I suggest you avoid making him feel guilty. He is not responsible for his friends’ parents. Continue supporting your child and offering his friends a safe haven if you can afford to do so. This is also an opportunity to teach your son and his friends about gratitude. Ask them to help clean up, teach them to make frozen pizza or less expensive snacks. As a Girl Scout leader, I remember teaching our troop about budgets. The girls learned how to manage the troop’s funds. I do the same thing at our Teen Center. Young people are able to grasp limits and demonstrate appreciation.

Enjoy these days. When you son is an adult he will have many influences on his time. Your home will be quieter and your grocery bill smaller, but you will miss the sound of young people laughing. Good luck.

Peer Educator response

We think it’s common these days for a 13-year-old to have friends over every weekend. A lot of our friends stay at our places for days without even telling their moms. Most of our parents make sure they know where we are all the time. We need to ask our parents to stay at friends’ houses. After our parents check out our friends, they really don’t seem to worry about us. I guess if they trust our friends’ parents they don’t feel a need to check in.

We definitely think you should talk with the parents. It’s not uncommon for parents to help pay, either, but these parents may not even know how much it’s costing you to keep their kids. You could come right out and ask one of his friends if he could stay there for a weekend.

It’s also possible that some of your son’s friends come from families that aren’t doing as well as you financially. Or maybe his friends are ashamed to have your son over to their homes. As long as your son is happy and you don’t really mind his friends hanging out, we think you should continue to let them stay with you. Talking with their parents is your best option.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.