The writing on the wall
Last weekend, I was a guest on John McIntire’s “Dangerously Live Comedy Talk Show” at the Cabaret Theater in downtown Pittsburgh. All I had to do was show up, tell some jokes and participate in a panel discussion about political correctness.
Since the discussion was about being P.C., I got to tell my one and only Caitlyn Jenner joke: “I, too, recently learned I was born in the wrong body. I am a skinny person inside the body of a fat person. I am trans fat.” I tagged it with, “Actually, it was the trans fats that got me to this point.” Place rim shot here.
P.S. I realize the joke only works “I’m trans skinny,” but that’s not nearly as funny, even though there’s a “k” sound in skinny. K sounds are funny. Example: kumquat.
One of the other panelists was a handwriting analyst. She gave a brief demonstration of her ability by asking audience members up to the stage. She asked them to write on a dry-erase board. It was fascinating to see her share quick, little insights into people via their handwriting. Apparently, my friend Diane loops her D in a way that looks like naughty bits. But, at the time, I was only half convinced of the handwriting analyst’s prowess. It seemed like the phallic D was just a cock and bull story.
After the show, I sat down to speak with her. The analyst, Michelle, was a lovely lady with interesting stories about handwriting and lines of text she has decoded. She worked with the police department analyzing handwriting samples of criminals. Once, she was presented a note from a woman’s brother. She told the woman not to trust the writer of the note. That brother turned out to be a serial killer! Dunt Dunt Da!
P.S. I had to ask, “Was the note written in letters cut out from various magazines?” It was not.
After a few minutes of conversation over cocktails, I just had to pull out my set list from my back pocket. Luckily, she only analyzed the writing and did not critique the jokes. Trust me; they weren’t all as bad as the trans fat joke.
She did an in-depth analysis of my handwriting. It was weird. She told me things about myself that I thought only I knew. I had no idea I was broadcasting intimate details of my life by the way I dotted my i’s. I make my dot with a big circle indicating that I want people to notice me. My i’s even kinda look like a microphone.
She told me I lived publically, but I was actually a very private person. She told me that I seem like an emotional person, but I am thoughtful and logical on the inside. She told me stuff about my relationship with my parents. It was eerie.
She claims there is a science to her work. Since she told me a lot of things that have me staying up at night contemplating, I am apt to believe there is something to it.
I have learned one thing. From now on, all my set lists will be typewritten.