Dealing with sticky situations
Q.I’m a college senior less than two weeks away from graduation. My parents and stepparents booked their flights to be here for me. My grandma means a lot to me, and her health is declining. She said she’ll be at peace as long as she lives to see me graduate. Except that I’m not going to. I think I just need to repeat two classes, and I think I can finish next semester. I put off telling them … and now I’m a mess. How do I tell my family?
Mary Jo’s response: You really have two challenges. The first deals with your family; the second focuses upon your future and your self-worth.
I believe your family deserves the truth. First, examine the reality of your graduation. What requirements do you really need to complete? If you haven’t done so, make an appointment and speak to your college adviser immediately. Outline an action plan for your future graduation. Ask about your college’s policy on walking at graduation when one or two classes are not finished. Some schools permit participation at graduation and the receipt of an empty diploma; others are not as generous.
Your family should be told prior to their arrival. They may still choose to visit you. The decision is theirs. I’m sure you’d like to avoid the conversation. I know it will be difficult. Remember you are a person of worth. Live with integrity. Can you FaceTime or Skype to tell your family face to face? Be honest, be calm, be kind and show respect. Explain your plans. Reinforce your love for them. Reassure them of your happiness. Few lives follow a perfect timeline; your parents may have personal experiences when something went differently than expected.
They may have empathy; don’t be startled if they’re disappointed. The best way to prove you’re strong is by reacting to this life challenge with dignity.
The guilt I’m sure you’re experiencing because of your grandma’s declining health should be discussed with your family and with her.
Share your love for your grandmother and tell her you’re OK and you plan to move forward. Assure her of your resiliency.
Not graduating on time may feel harsh right now, but the proof of your success will come when you respond to this challenge. Many people do not graduate with their classes, yet move forward to have rich, fulfilling lives. Happiness is not predicated by college attendance or graduation.
This is a bump in the road. Trust yourself.
Please focus on your self-worth.
Each person’s life journey is unique. Your growth and development may be enhanced by this experience. Every person falls short of expectations at some point in life – the true test of character is how we react to those failures. Good luck.
Peer Educator response: Start with your calmest parent and let him/her help you tell the others. Life isn’t dictated by our success in education. Your grandmother loves you. If she knows you’re happy, we think she’ll be OK. You definitely need to tell your family.
Q.My English teacher hates me. I’m doing well in all my classes, but I’m not going to graduate high school because I’m failing her course. I know others who have done extra work with her and are graduating. I haven’t tried to do that because I can’t talk with her.
Mary Jo’s response: You sound angry and upset. When we feel stressed we often seek someone to blame. You may not have a positive relationship with this teacher, but avoiding a conversation about your grades hurts you, not her.
Have you spoken with the guidance counselors at your school? Can you seek advice from a teacher with whom you communicate well? An adult at your school may be able to help you talk with your English teacher. If she’s giving other students a chance to do extra work, I believe she needs to make the same opportunity available to you. Your silence may signal a lack of commitment on your part. She may think you don’t care about graduating.
As you enter the workforce or move on to further schooling, you may encounter other situations where connecting with someone is difficult. Learning how to communicate with these people is an important life skill. Take a deep breath, try to be calm, speak respectfully and talk with her. Good luck.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.