May 12, 2015 3 min read

The Lone Ranger and his Faithful Indian Companion are hard on the heels of the Butch Cavendish Gang when Tonto, astride Scout, goes buckskin breeches over teakettle into a barrel cactus. LR wheels Silver around and dismounts.

“What happened, my intrepid friend?”

Embarrassed, Tonto replies, “Me texting, Kemo Sabe.”

This tale of the Old West for modern readers is not brought to you by Zane Grey. Rather, I made it up while I was riding my bike on a rail trail. Why? Because as I tooled along uphill at 8.6 mph, I saw a young girl and a man I assume to be her father coming toward me, each on horseback. Her father, eyes scouting the horizon for outlaws, tumbleweeds or renegade biker senior citizens, spotted me and guided his horse to his right. Meanwhile, back at the ranch (i.e., riding behind her father) the daughter stared long and hard at her cellphone. Luckily, her horse was too classy to injure the lassie and walked gently off the trail into the grass. His rider never looked up.

Why does the phrase “saddle tramp” keep popping into my head?

I’ve written before about my disdain for cellphones and those who, either terminally bored or needing to be continually updated on whatever whoever is doing wherever, constantly check email or messages. No one seems to care. Maybe I should text someone.

But I care. Two years ago, I was nearly hit head-on on the same bike trail by a young girl texting while riding a bike. A friend tells me a woman checking her text message walked into the back of his FedEx truck and claimed he hit her. But the truck was parked.

People who paid $300 for tickets to see Paul McCartney spent half the concert with their heads down, texting. Even my own son, whom I’ve threatened with decapitation if he doesn’t stop looking at his phone, can’t keep it off the table at lunch.

Even churchgoers can’t resist. About two minutes into a sermon, it’s not unusual to see members of the congregation checking their cellphones. Maybe they’re looking up Scripture references using The Bible app, so I can’t be too quick to criticize. Besides, as a young boy, during sermons I drew pictures of airplanes being shot down. These days I guess kids in Texas draw pictures of the Prophet Muhammad.

How would history be different had cellphones been invented much earlier? Would God have posted pictures of The Creation to Facebook, then waited for Adam and Eve to “like” them? Would Paul Revere have wasted so much time taking a selfie in front of North Church that British troops went undetected? Would anyone have seen Kennedy assassinated, or the space shuttle Challenger explode?

Used to be we bowed our heads only in prayer. Now we bow them in supplication to the great god Smartphone.

But he’s too busy texting to care.