May 13, 2015 5 min read

In honor of the column’s 10th anniversary, here’s another vintage column. This one is from May 2008. The topic’s current relevance resonates. Our Adolescent Advisory Board met for their last 2015 meeting this week and selected their theme for next year’s Ambassador for Respect program. Our young people will focus on mental health, with an emphasis on adolescent depression.

Q.Something is wrong with my daughter. She cries all the time. Last summer I saw some healing cuts on her thighs and I took her to counseling. We move around a lot and just moved to Washington County this year. Her relationship with her counselor in our last home wasn’t positive and now I can’t talk her into returning to counseling here. I’m afraid that her depression is linked to her sexuality in some way. I’ve tried to get her to open up about who she is attracted to, but she won’t talk with me. I don’t think she is cutting right now, but her sadness frightens me. We both read your column. I thought your answer and the words of your peer educators might help her open up. Thank you.

Parent of 16-year-old female

Mary Jo’s response: Every person has the right to feel joy. Although sorrow is a part of life, consistent sadness isn’t healthy. I’m a great believer in counseling. A caring, professional counselor can ease mental pain and anxiety and provide young people with the skills they need to move forward in life.

A negative experience with counseling can make a young person refuse to seek help again. Counselors, like all health-care providers, are unique individuals with unique skills. Not every counselor connects with every teen. Think of yourself as a consumer. If you aren’t pleased at one restaurant you don’t give up eating, you simply seek a restaurant that suits you. If you don’t find what you need at one store, you go to another. The same is true with the care we seek for our physical and emotional needs. One bad experience with a counselor only means you should seek a counselor who can provide what your daughter needs now.

I’m so glad you’re listening to your daughter and responding to her needs. I strongly recommend you follow up and seek professional help. Cutting, or self-injury, can be a cry for help. A young person may cut wrists, arms, legs or even abdomens. Some teens cut as a way to deal with strong emotions or intense pressure. Cutting can be a sign a teen is unable to cope with emotional pain. Teens may self-injure themselves as a way to cope with intense feelings of rage, sorrow, rejection, longing, desperation or loneliness. Cutting can become a compulsive behavior or habit. Seeking help for their teen from a mental health professional is an excellent first step for parents.

Even if your daughter no longer self-injures, her constant sadness means she needs help. I’m not sure why you feel there is a link between her sexuality and her sorrow, but I do know a few teens who were depressed when they questioned their sexual orientation. Pushing her to tell you if she is confused about sexuality may cause her to withdraw; sincerely telling her you love her no matter who she is or how she identifies should help.

Your daughter may be a proud young woman who feels she can conquer her sorrow on her own. Many people feel depression will just “go away” if they try hard enough to make it disappear. Those same individuals would never hobble around on a broken limb. Seeking professional help for depression isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. I’d be happy to meet with both of you to help you decide your next step. Continue to show your concern and support her. You aren’t alone, and neither is your daughter. I’ll wait to hear from you soon. Good luck.

Peer Educator response: Your daughter may feel lonely because she has lost her friends. She sounds as if she is depressed and doesn’t know how to find her way out of the sadness. Don’t assume her sadness has to do with her sexuality. Her sexuality is her business – you shouldn’t force her to talk about it with you, but you should accept her no matter what.

A slow approach to returning to counseling might be best. Explain you are there for her, but don’t pressure her. Mary Jo would be a great person for her to talk to. She’s great with kids and teenagers. Helping your daughter make new friends so she feels less alone and staying in one place might also help. We suggest you read the column together and see how she responds. Maybe our comments will generate conversation.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.