May 20, 2015 6 min read

Q.I don’t know you, but my friend attends a school where you teach and she said it would be OK to write to you. I don’t know what to do.

I graduate high school soon. I’ve been accepted to a great college. I have a wonderful package including an athletic scholarship. My family is very proud. They won’t need to pay anything for my education. I’ve worked really hard and my grades are excellent. My problem makes me feel stupid. I’m pregnant.

I’m 18, so I could have had an abortion and I considered it seriously at first, but I couldn’t go through with it. I’ve hidden the pregnancy from everyone except my best friend. Even my ex-boyfriend doesn’t know. See, that’s what makes this so complicated. We were together for over two years. I thought we’d always be together. We broke up right after I found out I was pregnant.

I hadn’t told him yet because I was trying to figure out what to do. By the time I decided to have the baby, our relationship had ended. Big fight. He cheated on me. I was so angry I didn’t tell him. Now I know I must. He has a right to know.

I’ve been to the OB on my own. I’m due in early August. I’m terrified. He has an athletic scholarship too, but to another college. He’ll be leaving for football early in August. I’m supposed to leave early as well. How do I tell him? How do I tell my family and disappoint them so much? How can I keep my scholarship when I won’t be able to play my sport first semester?

My high school doesn’t have sex ed like you teach. My friend is kind, but I know she thinks I’m foolish. When I first told her she mumbled about using protection. My parents never talked with me about sex. I can’t really blame anyone but myself, though. I made this happen. It’s my fault. My life is like the Jerry Springer show. Thanks for reading this long email. Will you answer me back?

18-year-old

Mary Jo response: Of course I’m pleased to answer you. I wish you’d connected with me earlier. You’ve experienced a lot of anxiety. I’m impressed with your courage. You no longer need to deal with this alone.

Many young women are shocked by an unplanned pregnancy. Looking back with anger and blaming yourself won’t help you move forward, although I realize you need to sort out your feelings. Your decision to have your baby has set you on a life path involving parenting. Becoming a parent is amazing, regardless of a mother’s age. You sound strong and resilient. I believe you possess the strength you’ll need to birth your baby and parent well.

Let’s look at your challenges one at a time. First, I’m pleased you’ve found an MD you trust. Prenatal care is important. Taking care of your health is an excellent start. Preparing for your birth will ease your mind about labor and birth. My staff and I can help you; I’ve been preparing women for childbirth since the ’70s. I’d like to meet with you soon. Your classes can be private and we’ll fit them around your schedule.

Your family needs to know about your baby. Although telling them will probably be difficult for you, hearing the news directly from you might help. I’m surprised you’ve kept your secret this long.

A few thoughts about sharing the news with your family. Prepare yourself for their possible disappointment. I’ve counseled thousands of pregnant teens; nearly always families rally and are supportive when the baby arrives. A new life, even an unexpected addition, is a cause for joy. Your parents should adjust, but you’re correct – their first reaction may be negative. Communicate honestly. Share your fear of disappointing them. Tell them how much they mean to you. If you are unsure of your parents’ reactions, select a family member who can support you and tell that person first. Sometimes a grandparent or aunt can help buffer the news. The love parents feel for their children is strong. When you give birth you’ll begin to comprehend the depth of this love. I hope your parents will support you in time.

Your next step involves speaking with your ex. You may want someone to be with you when you tell him, especially if you anticipate anger. Someone from your family may be supportive enough to accompany you. If not, I will be happy to go with you. Choose a public place where you can still have privacy. You’re correct – he has the right to know. A pregnancy takes two people; this is also his responsibility. Your own anger may make the conversation difficult; try to communicate calmly and be clear about your expectations. Do you want financial support? How involved do you want him to be with your baby? You are both parents-to-be, even if your relationship is over.

Communicating with your college is next. Do you have a guidance counselor at school who can help pave the way for a conversation with the admittance team at your college? If you’ve been recruited for an athletic scholarship you should have people with whom you can connect. Explain your situation. Look into child care. You may be able to participate in your sport by early fall. How flexible is your school? I’m sure they’ve encountered other candidates who experience challenges. A pregnancy is a condition of health. You should be physically able to attend classes when they begin. Don’t assume non-support.

If your college is inflexible, explore other options. Your life is changing but is not ending. No one can predict the unexpected; how we react to life’s challenges shows our true character. You can do this. Stay in touch. I’ll be happy to help.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.