May 27, 2015 6 min read

Q.I’m so upset over this Duggar abuse scandal I can’t sleep. I’m sure you remember me, even though it’s been more than 10 years since we talked.

I was a teen mom. You were with me when my baby was born. I disclosed my sexual abuse to you. Later when I got mixed up with drugs, my little girl was put in foster care. When I got her back, she had also been abused. I brought her to you then. Like I said, it’s been a while. My life is good now. I’ve been clean and sober for 13 years.

My daughter’s a sophomore in college. She’s OK, but this is bothering her, too. She called me last night, and we talked and talked. Am I messed up because this is getting to me? It’s like the Josh Dugger mess made everything come back to me.

I was brought up to believe men were to be obeyed. When my older brother sexually abused me, I thought it was my fault. I want to throw up when I read about what’s happened in that family. No one is even talking about the little girls. Cover-ups are the worst thing ever. I had a baby when I was 15 to a boy who didn’t love me, and I self-medicated for too long just trying to make the hurt go away.

I’m also feeling angry (I remember you saying I should listen to my feelings). Yes, I am angry. How can supposedly caring people hide something like this for years? I don’t care how old he was when it happened. Fourteen is old enough to know better. My brother was 15. Did that make it easier for me? No. And, guess what? This isn’t over. My brother didn’t change. If I were CPS, I’d remove the little kids from that home. This is messed up.

Will you print this so people know abuse is real? I left PA long ago, so there’s no worry someone will know me, and I don’t care if they do. And also tell me, how do I get past this? The whole thing has messed me up.

Still-healing adult

Mary Jo’s response: Of course I remember you. I remember your courage and the way you fought hard to stay in recovery and reunite with your little one. I’m thrilled to hear you’re doing well.

I think your email signature is wise and means a great deal. You are still healing. Childhood lasts through all our lives; both positive and negative experiences help shape us into adults. Your experiences with abuse were extremely difficult. Your pain when your daughter was hurt echoes in my heart. You’ve done a great job parenting her since then, and I commend you.

The Duggar situation seems to be a trigger for you. The similarity to your situation with your older brother brought back painful memories. Those memories can hurt even after many years. Writing to me was probably therapeutic; accepting your negative feelings is also healthy. Your reaction to hearing an abuse story similar to your own situation isn’t uncommon, abnormal or messed up. You’re OK.

Healing takes time. Getting beyond these painful memories will also take time. Are you seeing a counselor now? I know you met regularly with a therapist when you first moved away. It’s OK to resume therapy if you’ve stopped. Facing your anger and fear is not a sign of weakness, but of strength. Your daughter could take advantage of counselors at her college. It’s important to continue talking with her.

Yes, child sexual abuse is very real. Bystander apathy and adults who cover up abuse make it more painful. Healing is difficult when a child isn’t believed.

When I meet with young survivors of CSA (child sexual abuse), I stress the following:

1. The child is never at fault. Dressing a certain way or obeying an adult abuser doesn’t make a child wrong. The abuser has all the power.

2. Many children do not disclose abuse because of fear or shame or because they don’t feel they have a trusted adult in their lives. If a child is silent, even for a long period of time, the child is still not at fault.

3. Adults are responsible for protecting children. Words matter. Too often we minimize abuse; teaching children to obey adults without question isn’t healthy. I agree, I am also concerned that so little is being said about the young survivors. They should receive counseling. They should be supported – they are not at fault.

4. Healing is possible. I use the word survivor because it accurately describes a person who lives though abuse.

Here are some specific ways I can help. In 2012, I wrote a book for children called “Inside Out: Your Body is Amazing Inside and Out and Belongs ONLY to You.” It’s available on Amazon. It targets third- and fourth-graders, but its message reinforces and empowers people of any age.

I’m also a Darkness to Light (http://www.d2l.org/) authorized facilitator. Darkness to Light trains adults to prevent child sexual abuse through their Stewards of Children workshops. Their website reports on the Duggar abuse: “This incident makes two things very clear – that child sexual abuse occurs more frequently than people realize, and that people do not know how to respond.” Their data states 1 in 10 children will be abused before their 18th birthday. Sadly, you’re not alone; 40 percent of child sexual abuse is by older, more powerful youth.

I am available to help parents, adults who serve children and schools, create a code of conduct for preventing and reporting child abuse. I will be happy to come to your community.

Please keep in touch. Thank you for reaching out.

Shout out to our Real Talk Performers, who were outstanding at the premiere of our 2015 original educational dramas May 21.

“Fifty Shades of Social Justice” cast: Jamie Barton, Serena Green, Sasha Edwards, Jacob Engel, Koron Harris, Toni Maurer, Kellie Mendicino, Daniel Pascoe, Angus Pinkerton, Landan Weakland and Malik Wells

“Visible” cast: Bailey Batch, Kaylee Blansett, Zoe Blussick, Lily Christy, Haylea Ellis, Owen Funk, Letha Gordon, Emily Hart, Amy Lin, La’Shae Naylor, Danielle Popeck, Matthew Stroop and Aislinn Valdovinos

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.