Nov 4, 2015 4 min read

Q: My mom says this is my own fault. Maybe she’s right. I wanted to know what you thought. I was talking with this guy. We just kissed and stuff. Then we broke up. That was in the summer.

He’s still posting horrible things about me on Facebook and Instagram. He even tweets stuff about me. I told my mom and she called his mom and told him to stop. He did stop for a while but now he’s back.

That’s why my mom said this is all my fault. She says I shouldn’t have trusted him in the first place. Here are my questions. How do I make him stop (if you think I can)? And how can I tell next time if a guy is going to be a jerk?

13-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Life is full of lessons.

When my adult children were teens I hoped their life lessons would be “inexpensive”; I knew I couldn’t protect them from making mistakes, so I prepared them to be strong when problems arose and prayed the consequences would be small.

Whether or not this situation is your fault isn’t the issue. We all stumble. What counts is how we react to trouble.

Your challenge is simple – you trusted someone who isn’t mature enough to move forward after a break up. It may frighten you, but even adults can react poorly to losing someone.

Being 13 can be rough. My children didn’t need to deal with social media. Your generation’s mistakes are public. I teach seventh- through 12th-graders; middle school is more challenging because of Instagram and Facebook and other online “public” opportunities for bullying. Posting negative things about a person is cyberbullying. You’re correct – this should stop.

Your safety is a concern. Even if you’re not physically threatened, his conduct is causing you emotional stress.

Have you considered the possibility that his behavior is dating abuse or harassment? Depending on his posts, his behavior may be illegal. Check out http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/social-networking-safety/ for help in determining if you’re in an abusive situation. The site recommends:

• Do not respond to any negative posts. It only makes the harassment continue.

• Keep a record of all harassing contact.

• Report harassing behavior to the site authorities (let Facebook and Instagram administration know).

• Talk with your parents – it may be necessary to call the police.

Our peer educators are correct regarding your social media response. You need to block him, unfriend his friends, report his bullying, continue connecting with your mom, involve trusted adults, and consider leaving social media.

Your second question is tougher. Not all people are honest or live with integrity. There’s no magic way to tell if someone is going to “be a jerk” but I can offer some thoughts on protecting yourself:

• Take it slow. Get to know someone before you “kiss and stuff.”

• Set boundaries. Know your personal limits and communicate them clearly.

• Discuss consent. Talk about behavior. Be clear. Share what you want from a dating partner.

• Watch and listen. Friends may caution you about a potential dating partner. Listen to their words. Pay attention to the person’s behavior with others.

• Take time to grow up. I know it sounds difficult, but staying single is best when you’re 13. Develop friendships, hang out in a group. Relationships can involve drama and drama can take over lives.

• Notice behavior. People may change as you grow closer. Be aware of integrity – is the person respectful of others?

• React firmly and quickly to negative behavior. Tell a parent or adult as soon as someone begins harassing you.

Part of adolescence is learning about relationships. Friendships involve trust. Learning which friend to trust and the meaning of a healthy relationship is an important task. Good luck.

Peer Educator’s Response: Block him, change your account, take a break from social media. There’s no other way to shut him up. You can pretend he’s not bothering you but that’s not likely. Talk with your mom. Tell trusted adults. As to the future – we have no idea how to tell if anyone is going to be a jerk. Good luck!

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.