Sometimes, adults can be wrong
Q:I didn’t get to go to formal, but I wanted to very much. I’m single right now. I planned to go with friends. My stepdad got really angry and said if I went with another girl it would look like I was a lesbian. Nothing I could say convinced him. I told him other people were going with friends and he said, “So what?” I was hurt that I couldn’t go, but I was even more upset because he’s so biased. What if I’m bisexual or something? Why does he assume I’m straight? It’s not like he’s lived this pure life. My mom’s his third marriage, and he’s got kids to two other women he never married. Why does he think he has the right to judge me? Even if I am straight, his attitude is offensive.
16-year-old
Mary Jo’s response: Adults are not always right. Respecting adults, even when their decisions hurt, is tough, but important. You don’t need to agree with your stepdad, but you need to offer him respect as an adult.
Let’s look at two aspects of your question. First, is it acceptable for a young person to attend a formal dance without a significant other as a date, or with friends? In my opinion, yes.
Adolescent culture has changed since your stepdad was a teen. It’s possible going to a formal dance with friends was mocked when he was young.
When I present workshops to adults I ask them to symbolically “take off” their adult glasses and try to see life through the eyes of young people. Empathy – understanding the perspective of others and connecting with them – is a learned skill. Every encounter with an adolescent is a cross-cultural experience; entering a teen’s world is like going to China or Russia. Adults should listen to teens, learn their point of view and respect them as people of worth.
May I challenge you to “take off” your glasses and try to see life through your stepdad’s perspective? He may think he’s protecting you.
I’m curious, did you speak with any other adults in your family? Do you live with another parent or have connection with a grandparent? I wonder if seeking their wisdom and talking through your wishes might have helped.
Your second challenge deals with your stepdad’s bias. He’s not alone. Our culture is often heteronormative – which means people assume others are straight. A person’s sexual orientation or gender identity are unique. No, he doesn’t have the right to judge something as personal as your attraction to another.
At 16 you need adult support. I recommend connecting with another adult in your family. Share your concerns. Ask for understanding.
I will be happy to meet with your family and you; sometimes talking through tension with an outsider helps.
Our peer educators had a lot to say about your situation. If you are able to attend our Common Ground Teen Center, you could be trained as a peer educator.
You would join a group of welcoming young people who would offer you respect. The center is at 53 N. College St. in Washington and is open from 3 to 7 p.m. Monday through Friday. The weekly Peer Education meeting is from 5 to 7 p.m. every Thursday.
Good luck!
Peer Educator response: We see no problem going with friends. We know a lot of people who go to dances with friends or in groups. We think he could have handled the situation a lot better than he did. Just because a person goes to a dance with friends doesn’t mean they have sexual interest in each other at all. Your stepdad may have thought he was looking out for you and didn’t want people to get the wrong idea. But putting your own prejudiced opinions and personal pride before your children’s happiness and not allowing them to have fun because you don’t want to look bad is really not OK. It’s sad how many parents are close-minded and biased. You’re not alone in your struggle. Be who you are. Someday you may be the person to change how he feels.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.