Nov 20, 2015 3 min read

I can hear the John Williams overture in my head. Black Friday cometh, and it’s bringing a plethora of “Star Wars” toys, tech and T-shirts. When I was a kid, we had a few action figures, posters and such, but now the “Star Wars”-inspired merchandise has grown exponentially at a ludicrous speed.

“Prepare for Ludicrous Speed!” Sorry. “Spaceballs” reference.

But I digress, like I do. Now, you can get R2-D2 bedsheets, throw pillows and electronics. The trash can-shaped droid is facing some cute competition this year. Move over R2, BB8 is here to dominate. If you haven’t seen him (you’re most likely living in a cave and probably don’t have a newspaper subscription or the Internet so you can’t even read this), he’s sort of a soccer ball with a head. He beeps and tweets just like our beloved blue and white astromech.

If you like any “Star Wars” person, creature or robot, there’s a T-shirt waiting for you. You can get all sorts of Sci-Fi merchandise, but at some point, someone has to draw the line. I draw that line around my lips. I just found out they are making Cover Girl “Star Wars” lipstick. You can get three on the Light Side – Jedi, Droid and Mystic – or three on the Dark Side – Dark Apprentice, Storm Trooper and Chrome Captain. On the one hand, it’s nice “Star Wars” is an equal opportunity exploiter. Now girls can geek out just like the boys.

Side note: I’m only assuming the product line is for women. After all, the word “Girl” is in the name of the company, but boys, if you want to smear your lips with Droid gold #40, may the Force be with you. Everyone should have the opportunity to look like they just licked the paint off of C-3PO.

I’m glad that people can cheer on their favorite character, but the merchandise is out of control. If you want to buy an R2-D2 USB car charger for $39.99, a “Star Wars” Death Star charm for your charm bracelet at $34.99 or an “Empire Strikes Back” Sun Shade (which features the battle of Hoth) for $19.99, go for it.

It’s like they’re sticking the word “Star Wars” on everything! You name it, they have it: aprons, dresses, alarm clocks, kitchen timers, space slug oven mitts, C-3PO tape dispensers … etc. You can get Darth Vader’s head imprinted on your toast with a “Star Wars” toaster.

You can probably keep your cookies in a Jar Jar jar.

I’m thinking of having a garage sale. I’m going to spray paint an old pair of jeans silver and call them “Captain Phasma pants.” I bet people would see that “Star Wars” label and throw money at me. I can sell all my old clothes as “Han-me-downs.” Solo, that is.

“Star Wars” opens around Christmas, and just like Christmas, I’m already tired of the over-commercialization before Thanksgiving. Next time you’re in the mall and you want to buy some “Star Wars” merchandise, repeat after me, “Move along. These are not the ‘Star Wars’ products you’re looking for.”