Questions about eating, body image
Q:Should I be worried? My 12-year-old ate large quantities of junk food on two occasions – a whole bag of cookies and a gallon ice cream. Then she hid the empty containers. When I found them and confronted her, she lied until finally admitting the truth. She’s not overweight. She dances many hours per week. Does this sound OK? Do you think an eating disorder is in her future?
Parent of 12-year-old
Mary Jo’s response: When my children were small my mom gave me wise advice. She said my challenges as a mother of preschoolers would probably be small, but the older my children were, the bigger the challenge.
You may have heard the adage “little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems.” Twelve can be a challenging age for parent and child. “Worry” is a strong word. Should you be concerned with your daughter’s emotional and physical health? Should you be there for her and offer her unconditional support?
Absolutely.
I think parenting as our children move from 12 through adolescence is incredibly important. Parents matter.
There are several layers to your daughter’s behavior. The first deals with our culture. For years I’ve been concerned about the body image messages children receive from the media.
Over a decade ago, our Outreach hosted a program called BIO – Beautiful Inside and Out – with a grant from the Women and Girls’ Foundation. We created groups of eighth-graders and explored common messages about body size and self-worth. One of our ‘field trips’ involved shopping for clothing. At that time, junior girl sizes were incredibly small. A “large” was tiny. Not much has improved; in many ways young people’s bodies are more sexualized and exploited.
Your daughter is living in a subculture of dance. Many dance studios celebrate the whole child, providing positive role models for artistic expression and the joy of music and movement.
The dance culture can be harsh, however. Check out professional dancers’ bodies. A dance instructor once told me “dancers have no spare flesh.” This comment was directed at a typically-sized 9-year-old! At 12, your daughter is entering puberty. The average age of first menses (periods) is 12 years, 5 months.
With puberty comes a redistribution of body fat. Breast development can make a 12-year-old feel different; when different includes some weight gain, the child may feel confused and afraid.
My next concern deals with your relationship. Be very careful to avoid fat-shaming. Words from a parent are powerful. Avoid terms like “chunky” or “fat” – instead focus on her beauty, inside and out. Your daughter’s duplicity tells me she feels uneasy about her changing body and is unsure of your reaction; she needs to be assured of your unconditional support and love.
Finally, I’m concerned about your daughter’s emotional state. Eating can cover depression.
Talking with someone in an informal counseling setting – for example, at school – might help her open up. We can meet if you like.
Be proactive. Ask her to help you plan healthy meals. Offer her treats in small amounts. Denial can make anyone long for something forbidden. Cookies and ice cream eaten in moderation are healthier than binge eating. Model healthy choices and exercise. Support her as she grows. She needs to know you are with her 100 percent.
Our peer educators were especially wise this week. Although I realized young people were under a great deal of pressure to be thin, the responses from our peer educators below saddened me. A fear of gaining weight is very common. One of our teens shared her younger sister’s comments while trying on school clothes last August. Her sister discarded several outfits because they “made her look fat” – and she is only 5 years old.
You’ve got this. You know your daughter; convey your support sincerely and consistently. Good luck.
Peer Educator response
Words stick, and parents’ words last longer than anyone else’s. You need to set an example. You need to accept your daughter’s body as it changes. A lot of us related to this situation. Many of us hid food from our parents, too. Fat-shaming really hurts, and it is most painful when it comes from people we care about, like a parent or a significant other. Hurtful words from people who matter to us are more painful than teasing from friends. Your daughter needs to feel safe with you, then she can tell you the truth. If you’ve ever used the “fat” word with her, apologize, admit you were wrong, and start over. She may be depressed. She may be eating to cover emotional pain. She needs you a lot, even if she doesn’t think she does.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.