Oct 21, 2015 5 min read

Last week’s question about youth depression inspired several emails. Here are three:

Q.When I read your column last week, it brought back memories. I’m a father parenting teens, so I try to read your column weekly. Depression affects teens even if the depression isn’t theirs.

My father was a good man in many ways, but he never sought help for a depression I now know was clinical. He went through cycles. When he was OK, he played ball with me and my brothers, took us fishing, and made our mother happy. When he was not, he was a different man – lashing out, easily annoyed and just plain miserable. This was his pattern all of my life until he committed suicide when I was in my early 30s. No one in the family was surprised. I’m not sure I have a question as much as a desire to make public a phenomenon I’ve noticed.

Men don’t seem to seek help for mental illness as often as women. Have you noticed this? It makes no sense to me. I see a therapist to sort out my feelings about my father. I try to be a good father to my kids. Parents should realize that their mental health affects the well-being of their whole family. They should also be aware of the signs you shared in your column. One of my sons has shown signs of depression. I got him help immediately. – Father of teens

Mary Jo’s response: I am in awe of your openness, your willingness to share your story, and your ability to parent with intention and empathy. Thank you for using a challenging childhood to help you parent well.

You are correct. Men are less likely to seek help for depression than women. Depression isn’t physical, although there can be physical manifestations of mental health challenges. What cannot be seen can be dismissed. I believe this reluctance to acknowledge male depression is rooted in our culture’s approach to raising boys. How often are small boys told to “shake it off” and “be a man”? If raised to believe “boys don’t cry,” is it a surprise when adult men deny feelings of sadness?

Depression in men is often camouflaged by anger, which is the number one symptom of male depression. Unlike women, who typically withdraw when depressed, men often attack. Here are some signs of depression in men:

• Easily angered

• Feeling tired, without energy

• Excessive drinking, often daily

• Refusal to discuss feelings

• Extreme sleep habits – insomnia or sleeping too much

• Changes in behavior – avoiding working out or sports or other activities once enjoyed

• Lack of interest in sex

• Decreased personal hygiene – wearing the same clothes, not showering.

• Unwilling to admit help is needed – scoffing at the idea of counseling

• Aches/pains, headaches, digestive problems

• Thoughts of suicide and suicide attempts

If we want to change the ways men react to depression, I think we need to look at the messages we give young boys. The Representation Project has a new film called “The Masks We Live In.” I hope to share it with my education students at W&J. The film trailer is available at http://therepresentationproject.org/. It looks at the ways boys are taught to hide their feelings. Our education students also read “Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Lives of Boys,” by Kindlon and Thompson. Both resources address ways to help our boys become men who are not afraid to show emotion.

Your email is an example of the triumph of the human spirit. Thank you for teaching with me today.

Q.Thank you for writing about depression. It took me over two years to convince my parents that my depression was real. Over and over they told me to get involved with sports or find new friends or just “get over it.” It took me taking a bunch of my mom’s sleeping pills before they acknowledged my depression. After some inpatient therapy and continued counseling, I feel better. Please tell adults not to ignore the signs of teen depression. – 19-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Your words are a powerful message. We never tell someone with a broken leg or the flu to “get over it.” Mental health is just as important as physical health. Your parents aren’t alone. Mental health awareness is often difficult in our culture. Thank you.

Q.When I was a girl I knew my mom was depressed, but the adults in my family never talked about her depression with me. Even when she was hospitalized, my relatives glossed over her mental illness. I didn’t realize the full extent of her illness until I became an adult. Please share this in your column and ask adults to talk with children and teens. Ignoring the problem doesn’t make it go away. – Adult who remembers

Mary Jo’s response: You’re so right. Adults often avoid difficult discussions with young people. Age doesn’t provide a shield to hide family problems. Children and teens are aware of depression, divorce, terminal illness, unemployment, financial hardships and even national tragedies like terrorist attacks. Discussing serious topics openly eases fear. A conversation with a young person should be developmentally appropriate. Less is more. Adults should listen with respect and truly hear a young person’s concerns.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.