Apr 27, 2016 4 min read

Q.I have such fond memories of your classes. I’m coming to you for help again, except now I’m in my 30s. My parents are getting a divorce after nearly 40 years of marriage. I’m devastated. I knew they fought at times, but I thought that was just the way they were. I’ve been married three years. I think our relationship is solid. How can I be sure? Is it normal for me to be heartbroken about my parents’ breakup? I’m a mess. I feel betrayed, I feel angry, and I worry. How do I hold onto my relationship? If my own parents couldn’t make it work, can anyone?

34-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Feeling betrayed, sad and angry are normal reactions to the shock of watching your parents’ long-term union dissolve. Your parents’ split isn’t rare. The term “gray divorce” was created by sociologists to describe a growing phenomenon. The divorce rate for Americans over the age of 50 doubled since 1990; for those over age 65 the numbers have more than doubled. One in four people divorcing in the United States is 50 and older, and one in 10 is 65 or older.

As an adult child of divorced parents (ACOD), you join a group of people who are often forgotten. The effects of divorce on children are well studied, but adults face the added challenge of redefining their roles in their divorced parents’ lives. Older divorced parents may turn to their adult children for companionship as well as physical, financial or emotional support.

Books to support this loss include “A Grief Out of Season: When Your Parents Divorce in Your Adult Years,” “The Long Way Home: The Powerful 4-step Plan for Adult Children of Divorce” and “Adult Children of Divorce: How to Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Break-up and Enjoy Love, Trust, and Intimacy.”

Some suggestions for ACODs:

• Avoid role reversal: Older parents may lean on their adult children. Communicate your love for your parents but resist becoming their primary source of support.

• Maintain healthy boundaries: You may find yourself in the uncomfortable position of hearing about your older parents’ dating or new sex lives. -Share if you feel awkward.

• Resist the counselor role: One or both of your parents may bad-mouth their former partner to you. Express your feelings calmly and clearly – you love both parents and do not want to be in the middle.

• Redefine your relationship on your terms: Try to enjoy time with them without dwelling on the split.

It’s also normal to question your personal relationship. Your poignant, “If my own parents couldn’t make it work, can anyone?” is a common concern for ACODs. The model you observed for a healthy relationship has floundered. In terms of your own marriage, please remember:

• You aren’t your parents: Don’t compare your relationship to your parents’ experience. You are able to learn from their mistakes; you are not destined to repeat them.

• Face your fears: Communicate with your partner. Acknowledge that periodic doubt is part of many long-term relationships. Reduce your own risk of divorce by creating healthy ways to adapt to change and the stresses of life.

Good luck. It’s good to hear from you and an honor to be remembered as your teacher.