Where in the world am I?
I want to be Matt Lauer when I grow up, or, at the least, someone like him. The other day I watched him play volleyball before I went to work. He’s hanging on the beach in Rio at the Olympics, joking around with the “Today Show” crew. I’m driving into Pittsburgh in torrential rain. You can see why I wish our positions were reversed.
Being the host of a nationally known television show is a desirable position. I have TV show host envy.
I’ve watched Matt Lauer crack eggs and jokes with famous chefs. I’ve watched him travel the world in a segment called, “Where in the World is Matt Lauer?” He even stole Carmen Sandiego’s old schtick (sans red coat and fedora) and got away with it. Sandiego wasn’t available for comment.
Now that’s a day job! A “Today” job! Mikey want. I can say, “Here’s Al with the weather” just as easily as he can. I can take jabs at the ridiculously dressed weatherman. Today on “Today,” Roker is wearing a pink shirt and salmon shorts. It’s too much pink for someone not named Barbie.
Matt Lauer got to meet the Olympic swimmers and interview them. I can do that. The trick is to not just talk to Michael Phelps and Katie Ledecky, but to pass the microphone around and divide the time up equally. You have to give the losers a chance to say something, too. I’m kidding. I don’t want to talk to the losers.
Side note: This column is designed to make you laugh, not insult America’s athletes. I would never really say these things (to their face). They are our nation’s heroes, and I can’t do three sit-ups without breathing heavy. Heck, I’d be proud to come in fourth at the Olympics. That’s the first guy without a medal! Heck, I’d be proud to look good in a Speedo. We will never know. They don’t make them in jumbo.
But I digress, like I do. There are a few things Matt Lauer can do better than I. I can’t say, “Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.” Up until today I couldn’t even spell it.
I can’t talk to politicians without saying, “You’re a lying sack of potatoes,” especially if the aforementioned Ahmadinejad was a guest.
P.S. “Sack of potatoes” is the G-rated version. What I really want to say wouldn’t even be allowed on television.
Here’s the catch. Matt Lauer gets up at 2 a.m. or so. I’ve just barely crawled into bed by then. I can’t imagine having to be on that schedule. Even the early bird doesn’t catch the worm at 2 o’clock in the morning. That bird is still in his nest.
Plus, Matt Lauer works on Thanksgiving Day. If I had to get up that early on Thanksgiving, I’d never make it to dinner. I’d fall asleep in my cranberry sauce.
Maybe I can be Hoda. As near as I can tell, her job is to smile, sip wine and grease down Tongan athletes.