She owes her friend the truth
Q.I don’t know how to handle this. My best friend is in a two-year relationship with her boyfriend (let’s call him Mr. X). My boyfriend is friends with Mr. X. Mr. X confided in my boyfriend this weekend and told him he had sex with an ex while on a college visit. His ex just called to tell him she has chlamydia. Mr. X isn’t going for treatment and doesn’t plan to tell my friend. My boyfriend said I can’t tell her because it will mess up his friendship. He says Mr. X probably isn’t infected anyway. I think I owe my friend the truth. I’m afraid I’ll lose my boyfriend if I tell her. What do you think?
17-year-old
Mary Jo’s response: I think you are facing an adult ethical dilemma that is not only complicated, but also will reveal your true character. I know I sound serious; this is.
Your impulse to follow your boyfriend’s lead and keep the very real possibility of an STI (sexually transmitted infection) from your friend is human. Protecting yourself from hurt is a normal first thought. Your decision may affect your relationship with your boyfriend. Yes, you may lose him. I can imagine how much you would be hurt.
Consider your friend’s possible pain. Chlamydia is typically silent, which means it is asymptomatic (shows no symptoms) in most infected individuals. Your friend could be infected and not know until she develops a more serious infection. Untreated chlamydia can lead to PID (pelvic inflammatory disease). Untreated PID can cause infertility. The implications of not telling mean not only your friend may be infected and untreated, the chlamydia would spread to others. This is a public health decision affecting the common good.
Your boyfriend’s defense is a weak one. Even if your friend is not infected, she is unaware of her partner’s cheating. This isn’t hearsay; if you trust Mr. X is telling your boyfriend the truth, she is in an unhealthy relationship. She may choose to remain with Mr. X, but she needs all the facts to help her make a decision.
I think talking honestly with your boyfriend is your first step.
I believe your boyfriend deserves transparency; don’t go behind his back. Ideally your boyfriend will tell Mr. X the truth – Mr. X should be the one to tell your friend. Mr. X also needs a check up to assure his own health. If your boyfriend values his friendship with Mr. X more than his own integrity, you have a decision of your own. If Mr. X doesn’t take responsibility and tell the truth, your choice should be to protect your friend and tell her.
I know this isn’t easy. Doing the right thing seldom is. Good luck.
Peer Educator response: We think you owe your friend the truth. It’s not going to be fun, but wouldn’t you want her to tell you if your situations were reversed? If Mr. X cheated on her, he doesn’t really care about her or their relationship. Cheating is bad enough, but she is at risk for an STI. Think of your guilt if she is infected and the possible repercussions to your friendship if she finds out you knew and didn’t tell her. Tell her the truth. It’s the right thing to do.