Snow days from dueling perspectives
Q:Can you help settle an argument with my mom? She says a snow day means I can’t leave the house. She says if the roads are lousy enough to cancel school, I should stay in all day. My friends’ parents work, so they pretty much get to do whatever they want on a snow day. My mom is at home, so she expects me to just hang out with her. I’m an only child, so I get bored. What do you think?
13-year-old
Mary Jo’s response: I can see your point of view and your mom’s. If the roads are hazardous, staying safe and avoiding travel is wise. If the day clears, it makes sense to adjust plans accordingly.
Your question isn’t really about snow; your concern deals with independence. Your mom keeps you close; your friends’ parents aren’t able to supervise their children as much, so you feel you lose autonomy. Wanting to hang out with friends at 13 is common. Have you considered asking your mom if friends can come to your house? I’m guessing other parents would be thrilled to have adult supervision for their young people. Snow days can be difficult for working parents.
Communication can ease tension between teens and their families. Start sharing your feelings with your mom. Listen to her with respect. Learning to talk and negotiate with a parent is great practice for life. Compromise is a skill worth cultivating.
Q:I hate snow days! I’m a single mom of four, three of which are teenagers. I work full time and don’t have the ability to flex my schedule on a moment’s notice and stay home with my kids. They’re too old for day care, but too young – in my opinion – to have a full day at home alone. Snow days mean I need to leave them together. The oldest is pretty mature, thank goodness, and she keeps the others in line (for the most part). She hates me calling and checking on her all day, though. She respects you. Can you please run this in your column and explain how tough it is to be a parent on snow days?
Mary Jo’s response: Parents see life through a different lens than young people. A parent may see a snow day as a source of anxiety, unable to remain at home, imagining “dreadful images” of possible danger. A young person only sees a day off from school. Sleeping in, playing video games, binging TV shows, eating an odd menu and just hanging around can be very appealing.
Let me try to explain the term “dreadful images.” Raising children involves an incredible amount of time and love. A parent is vulnerable. Being vulnerable opens one’s mind to fear. A young person may only see a chance for a day off during a snow cancellation. A parent may imagine problems. What if a child cooks and doesn’t turn off the stove? What if a teen’s romantic partner shows up and they have unsupervised time? More serious fears can also arise.
As a parent, wrestling back these images is healthy. Try not to judge your young people by stories you hear. As a young person, having empathy for a parent’s fear is kind.
Respect one another’s needs. Talk this through. In my experience, most young people do the right thing. A teen “in charge” needs to respect a parent’s need to check in. Set guidelines together for times when young people are alone at home. Young people can be mature and responsible – they need a chance to follow through.