Setting the record straight
The joyous sounds of the celebration of freedom still reverberate from the purple mountains and echo across the fruited plains. So it pains me that I must address the so-called controversy invented by the dishonest media concerning my backyard fireworks display Monday.
I refuse to apologize to anyone who thought the six-pointed stars that burst so joyously in the heavens were Stars of David, and thus anti-Semitic. They were, rather, Stars of Andy.
Specifically, Andy Taylor, who wore just such a star while proudly serving his country as sheriff of Mayberry, N.C., in the 1960s. What a great American tradition, the sheriff! Really.
Unfortunately, several calls to Sheriff Taylor to obtain his personal verification of this fact went straight to voicemail, my chief of staff assures me. No doubt Sheriff Taylor and Deputy Barney Fife are busy patrolling the streets of Mayberry to ensure radical Islamic terrorists never infiltrate our borders through what has to be in the top 1 percent of our greatest states. Maybe the top 5 percent. But right up there, believe me. And let me point out archival footage of Sheriff Taylor is readily available on YouTube.
Next, to address the rumors about the uniforms worn by my security team. Many in the devious media said these white sheets reminded them of those worn by members of the Ku Klux Klan. But I must honestly tell you that they were meant as a tribute to my great friend John Landis and his classic film about the superiority of the American collegiate education system, “Animal House.”
What could be more typical? After a hard week’s study designed to raise America once again to the pinnacle of worldwide business, our young men and women enjoy a great time at a fraternity mixer! I mean, when I say “toga,” don’t you say “party”? Of course you do! And that’s what we had in mind when we had those uniforms made. American-made. And, hands down, we make the best sheets. At least 500-thread count, I can personally vouch for that.
And, lest I forget: The “towel head” portable toilets we provided were not, as suggested by so many reporters – who were admitted free to the fireworks, I might add – a disparaging reference to those of Middle Eastern descent. They were a patriotic reference to the term “head,” as used by our brave fighting men and women in the U.S. Navy. And we spared no expense, so we provided towels. Real, cotton towels. Made from real, American-grown cotton.
Finally, I want to assure you the burning dummies surrounding the fireworks launching area were not, as some in the lying media have claimed, depictions of illegal Mexican immigrants thwarted from entering our great country. They were, in fact, a tribute to John Sturges’ 1960 film, “The Magnificent Seven.”
As I’m sure you all know, that amazing, amazing epic, based on a true story, recounted how seven American Special Forces members became trapped behind enemy lines while attempting to build a wall between Texas and Mexico. The movie’s star, my longtime friend Yul Brynner – a truly great American – assured me of this last night during what my chief of staff assures me was a long email exchange.
But I can’t deny that the dummies were, in fact, meant to depict the lying, raping, murdering, drug-dealing, job-stealing foreign banditos who in the movie were dispatched so efficiently by our brave fighting men – all using U.S.-made revolvers and rifles that some would say Americans shouldn’t be allowed to own.
Maybe some of the banditos were Mexican – I don’t know. Some, I assume, were good people. But probably at least half of them were Mexican.
We’re looking into that, and we’ll have a white paper for you in the morning.