Can I take your order?
I’m logging this in the “now I’ve seen everything” category. Apparently, the cereal-making company Kellogg’s opened a restaurant in New York City that serves – get this – Kellogg’s cereal. Apple Jacks, Froot Loops and Frosted Mini-Wheats are all on the menu.
We are officially the laziest nation in the world. We can’t even open a box of Frosted Flakes, pour them into a bowl and splash milk on them by ourselves. Think about this. Would you buy a bowl of Raisin Bran in a restaurant? I mean, you can go into a 7-Eleven or bodega (as they say in NYC) and buy a small box of cereal and eat it out of the carton while chugging on a milk. You’re done – and you saved about 10 bucks plus tip. I don’t think I ever had a hankering for cereal so bad I wished they sold it in restaurants.
Because the restaurant is in Manhattan, they will “hipster up” the cereal for a modest fee. I’m sure you’re wondering, “How do you make cereal fancy?” Well, I’ll tell you. “The Pistachio Lemon” has Special K, Frosted Flakes, pistachios, lemon zest and thyme thrown in, and “The Chai Line” is Crispix and fresh peaches with a Chai tea powder garnish. If you order the “Honey Buzz,” you get a bowl of Honey Smacks with toasted pecans and banana chips. The menu was designed by a real chef. Christina Tosi, founder and owner of Momofuku Milk Bar created all of the recipes, like “Life in Color,” which is a bowl of Froot Loops with lime zest, marshmallows and passion fruit jam.
I’m sure you’re doubting this, but I assure you, I don’t think I’d ever come up with anything so silly on my own.
When I heard about this, you may have heard my reaction. That “Oh, please. Spare me!” off in the distance was probably me. It was the sigh that shook the world. I watched people eat there in a video clip on “CBS Sunday Morning.”
I can’t get over it.
I’m reminded of the old adage, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.” I’m going to be opening a late-night restaurant in New York that serves Doritos, both Cool Ranch and the original Nacho Cheese flavor. Maybe, if you’re lucky, I’ll throw in some lesser-known ones like Salsa Verde and Black Pepper Jack.
I’m calling my new place “Munchies.” We’ll only be open from midnight to 4 a.m. That’s all we’re going to sell – Doritos in bright red, ceramic bowls. Maybe we’ll show up in a late-night cable movie like “The Bride of Frankenstein” or “Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy.” Heck, maybe we’ll just play vintage infomercials like “The Slap Chop,” “Shake Weight,” “Thigh Master” and “Snuggie.” I will decorate it with comfy couches. I’m trying to get the Frito-Lay Co. to go in on it with me. I realize it’s a particular demographic. The trick will be to get people to come out of their own living rooms and pay to hang out in mine, but if people are buying cereal in a restaurant, I’m pretty sure I can get them to come into “Munchies.” I’ll let you know if I have any success.