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Empathy & sympathy

3 min read

Q.Empathy and sympathy are not the same thing. So many horrible things are happening, yet people often say hurtful things. I didn’t really understand what LGBT people felt after the Orlando shooting, but I supported them. I’m black. I don’t think white people understand how I felt last week. What do you think?

– Former peer educator

A.Not only do I agree with you, but many research studies support the difference between empathy and sympathy. As an educator, I’m encouraged by studies showing empathy can be taught to children.

Let’s begin with definitions. Sympathy is about pity or sorrow for another’s loss. With sympathy a person has compassion for others but does not necessarily feel what they feel. Saying “I’m sorry” at a funeral expresses sympathy; it’s good to offer support.

Empathy is a deeper awareness; empathy occurs when a person can understand another person’s experience. Often empathy is expressed by the idea of “walking in another’s shoes.” Dr. Brene’ Brown tells us empathy is about connection – it is one way people can grow together. Her short animated video on empathy is outstanding; I use it when I teach. Check it out at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw.

If I say, “I’m sorry” when a young person shares a challenge, I offer my support but not necessarily my understanding of their experience. Instead, I typically say, “I’m sorry that happened to you,” or “That shouldn’t have happened to you,” especially when harm was done to the teen. Then, I listen, often without comment. Listening with empathy – trying to understand from another person’s point of view – is a great gift.

You raise some excellent examples. As an ally, I support others who are different from me. Allies work for empathic understanding, while acknowledging a true awareness of another’s pain isn’t easy. At times, it is impossible. As a pediatric oncology nurse, I served parents who lost children to cancer. My heart hurt for their losses; I often cried with them, but I never truly felt their pain. It was more difficult for me to work in pediatric oncology when I became a mother. My empathic awareness was raised by my own personal experience, yet I still could not claim to truly understand.

My heart hurt after the horrible attack at Pulse in Orlando and I mourned with my LGBTQAI friends and colleagues, but I could not truly feel their pain. Likewise, this last week, I grieved over the loss of black lives. I cringe over the often hostile backlash against movements like #BlackLivesMatter.

I am a strong ally for racial justice, but I cannot feel the pain of my friends and colleagues who are people of color. I felt horror at the loss of lives in Dallas; yet I cannot feel what a police officer’s mother feels. As an ally to all, I offer my time and energy; I work for social justice. I stand with those in pain but I do not assume I understand.

Empathic awareness should help people think deeply before judging the pain of others. Thank you for raising this difficult but vital question.

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