Tips about long-term relationships
Q:I’m engaged to someone I truly want to spend my life with. I had you for sex ed in the ’90s. I remember us talking about things to discuss before making a long-term commitment with someone. Our wedding date is set for a year from now. I think now might be a great time to cover the important stuff. Can you remind me?
Former student
Mary Jo’s response: Congratulations! I don’t remember exactly what I taught in the ’90s – or what I had for dinner last week! The good news is my message on this topic hasn’t changed much in the last decade and more.
Sharing each person’s values and dreams will open communication and help two people connect.
Bring up these subjects respectfully. Here are 10 ideas for conversation before commitment (in ABC order):
1. Family Responsibilities: How important is your family in your plans? Combining two people into one family can be a culture shock; families can be as different as Italy and Denmark! How will you handle holidays, elderly parents or a family crisis?
2. Fidelity: Define cheating. Is an emotional connection with someone else threatening to either partner?
3. Finances: People are funny about money. Will you share a bank account or keep separate accounts, or both? How will bills be paid? Will you share car and home ownership? What debts are you bringing into the relationship? Talk about spending patterns. Will you save?
4. Goals and Dreams: Dreams are important, and honoring goals is huge. Do you respect one another’s career goals? Will you support each other’s dreams? Be frank. If you hope to sing on Broadway and your romantic partner never wants to leave rural Pennsylvania, a conversation about long-distance relationships is vital.
5. Location: Where do you want to live? Do you imagine a place in the city, country or in between? What’s your dream home? Do you want to be near family? Do you share a sense of style, or can you compromise?
6. Parenting: Do you both want children? Parenthood is a huge commitment; this could be a deal-breaker for some couples. If you want to parent, discuss parenting beliefs. Most people parent as they were parented, and each family is unique. How would you handle infertility? Are you both open to adoption?
7. Sexuality: Sexuality is more than sex, although physical connection is important. Sexuality can involve touch, communication, desires and fantasies, contraception, STI prevention/discussion and past sexual history. Discuss each person’s sexual appetite. Are you compatible? Disclosing a past sexual assault is difficult; withholding a past negative sexual experience can damage intimacy.
8. Sharing Life: Imagine daily life together. Who likes cooking? Do you want pets? How do you like to have fun and relax? Will you vacation at the beach or in the mountains? Discuss stereotypes and family roles/scripts. What do you expect from your partner during illness? Who is a morning person?
9. Social Media: What guidelines would you set for public sharing/posting?
10. Values: What are your belief systems? Faith can bring two people closer or be an area of disagreement. Do you share basic values? Where do you stand politically? Can you ‘debate without hate’? Can you ‘fight nice’?
Good luck!