Stooges of politics
Imagine my surprise when, unable to sleep at 3 a.m., I turned on the TV and found CNN has colorized and begun showing Three Stooges shorts. Then I realized that I was watching footage of the current Republican presidential frontrunners.
My confusion is understandable. On screen were three white guys running around and calling each other names, all the while creating chaos among unfortunate onlookers who were not quite sure whether to laugh or recoil in horror. About all that’s been missing on the Republican campaign trail are head knocking, eye gouging and the Stooges’ catchy “Three Blind Mice” theme music.
I don’t know why it took me so long to make the comparison. Comb Donald Trump’s golden pate over his forehead, and it’s easy to see him as an Aryan version of the abusive, bossy lead stooge, Moe Howard. From there, it’s a short inductive leap to imagine Marco Rubio as Larry Fine and Ted Cruz as Curly Howard.
I’m not the first to see politics through Stoogevision. Back when Johnny Carson ruled late night TV, comedian David Steinberg did a three-minute bit on his “Three Stooges Theory of Politics.” Moe, Steinberg said, is the take-charge guy who attacks problems using the first, ham-fisted technique that comes to mind, but doesn’t succeed. Trump, with his Mexican-financed border wall, fills this slot nicely. “Larry,” Steinberg added, “wants to be Moe,” but can’t quite get there. Yep, that’s Rubio, trying to out-Moe Moe with crude slurs. Curly, Steinberg concluded “is just crazy … off the page … screwball.” Fill in the blank.
If you’re having trouble with Stoogevision, try this analogy: GOP race as limbo contest. Trump set the bar low from the beginning, but Cruz and Rubio were limber enough to squeeze under it, even though the former managed to get this chin stuck before winning in Iowa. Now Rubio has dug a pit to tunnel under Trump by accusing The Donald of using spray-on tan, wetting his pants and having small hands that indicate that he has a small penis.
This is American politics at its best, worthy of the heady days when President Richard M. Nixon told the nation, “I am not a crook.”
Democrats Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton so far seem to have avoided Stooge Syndrome, but it’s clear that each wants to be Moe. Also, Bernie has Larry’s hair, and Hillary seems to be married to Curly. Since it’s throwback politics time, I expect Sanders and Clinton to ask U.S. Sen. Elizabeth Warren to enter the Democratic race so they can inject a little “Three’s Company” vibe into the primaries:
“Come and knock on our door. (Come and knock on our door)
We’ve been waiting for you (We’ve been waiting for you)
Where the disses are hers and hers and his.
We’re running here, too.”
With eight months before the general election, I’m sure the remaining campaign will produce, at long last, an answer to the musical question posed so many years ago by that great political pundit, Chubby Checker: “How low can you go?” With our American penchant for watching reality TV, we should have seen this coming.
“Limbo lower, now!”
“You knuckleheads.”