Mar 4, 2016 3 min read

People always ask me, “Weren’t you afraid to drive in Los Angeles?”

I always reply with, “Have you ever driven in Pittsburgh?” Yinz guys, it’s scary out here.

Driving in Southern California was tricky, but everything was pretty well marked.

In Pittsburgh, you have to remember what it looked like decades ago to get anywhere. I cannot turn where the Dairy Queen used to be if I didn’t know where the Dairy Queen was in the first place.

In Los Angeles, there was plenty of distance from one exit to the next. You had plenty of time to get to the proper exit.

That is not the case in the ‘Burgh.

I believe that anyone who can get from Banksville Road through the Fort Pitt Tunnel, across four lanes of traffic, to get to Fort Duquesne Boulevard every day can drive anywhere.

When I come out of that tunnel, I have about 100 feet to cross lanes, while people are crisscrossing in front of me.

I’m using some NASCAR-worthy skills. Only instead of a trophy, I get to pay for parking. Yay!

L.A. had lots of five-lane highways and a ton of selfish and impatient people behind the wheel, but I’m beginning to think Pittsburgh has more selfish and impatient people per capita.

The other day, a guy behind me was beeping because I wouldn’t hit the people in the crosswalk. I’d like to apologize to him for not killing the pedestrians. I didn’t realize he was in a hurry to get home to watch reruns of “Modern Family.” I should have at least taken out that old woman. She was walking very slowly. (P.S.: Sarcasm.)

Did Wonder Woman have an invisible car? If she had an invisible plane, she probably had a car to go with it. I think I’ve taken over her lease.

Lately, I’ve had a lot of people drive directly toward me. Suddenly, I’m playing the world’s scariest game of chicken.

The ones not driving at me are trying to back into me. I can see my car, but I don’t think anyone else can.

I’ve given some thought to having and maintaining an invisible car.

Mainly, I could go as fast as I want and never have to worry about speeding tickets. And though you wouldn’t have to wash it very often, there are too many disadvantages.

Given how many times I’ve misplaced my current visible car in a mall parking lot, I can’t imagine the extra time and effort it would take to find an invisible one.

Also, changing the oil would be really difficult. I already have trouble seeing where the line on the dipstick is now. Is the oil low? I don’t know.

An invisible car would make that task impossible.

But I digress, like I do. I know I’m not a good driver. Ask around.

But I feel like I’m getting better, only because everyone else is getting worse.

Just be careful out there.