Mar 23, 2016 4 min read

Q.I’m the parent of four. Our three daughters are adults, ages 22 to 30. Our youngest is a boy. He just turned 12. I read your last column. I don’t know if it’s because I raised our daughters in a different world, or if it’s because our youngest is a different gender, but I worry.

I appreciate your diligence in reaching out to youth and I like your gentle, respectful approach. Can you offer guidance? I’m not proud of the way I handled sex with our first three. I let the school do what they would. I explained periods and told them not to have sex. I know they didn’t always listen to me. What does one explain to boys? Will he even listen?

– Worried parent

Mary Jo’s response: Thank you for your confidence in me and your kind words. Parenting is an active verb. Parents matter. You matter to all four of your children, no matter their ages. Your messages can reflect your love and your values; your own life choices can model healthy decision-making. Yes, your son will listen.

In my opinion, all children need a trusted adult to guide them to sexual health. Our culture has changed in the last decade; easy online access raises challenges. Young people your son’s age do need guidance. Set the stage for communication now and be persistent. Your job as his parent is vital.

Here are a few hints on a big topic:

• Listen without judging: It’s OK to dislike a child’s behavior, but your love remains unconditional. Young people need to know we will hear their concerns.

• Teach with equity and respect: You ask what boys need. All youth need the same messages. At 12, your son should know the correct names for all body parts. He needs to learn about periods as much as he needs information on male ejaculation. Consent is a vital topic, as is an awareness of the link between sexual health and healthy relationships.

• Talk “with” him, not “at” him: Many 12-year-olds will feel awkward when sexuality topics are raised, especially if the conversation is new. Ideally, parents will teach about sex the same way they teach about nutrition and dental hygiene – throughout a child’s life. There are teachable moments everywhere; use movies, TV shows and current events to open discussions. The world is your curricula.

• Model respect for the sexuality of all people: Children watch us; what we do speaks louder than our words. Live a life reflecting the values you want to teach.

• Be courageous: Online access is global. You don’t need to be an expert, but you do need to be an “askable” parent who is willing to look at any topic.

• Be honest: If you feel uncomfortable, tell the truth. Articulate the obvious: “No one ever spoke with me about sex when I was young. I want to be the person you talk with about sexual things. You matter to me.”

• Seek support: Use the internet for education – Google together! There are many books on the topic. I authored “What’s Up as You Grow Up?” in the ’90s and update it often. I’ve taught a three-hour class on growing up and early sexuality education for parents/youth since 1984. Call our office at 724-222-2311 for information.

• Believe in yourself and in your son: No one is better prepared to be his guide. Have confidence. You’ve got this!

Please continue to connect with me. Talking with parents is one of my life’s joys. Good luck!