May 25, 2016 4 min read

Q: We read your column weekly and appreciate your advice. As very concerned grandparents, we were wondering what is the appropriate age to begin talking to children about really difficult things like sex and drugs. How do we make them afraid of these things? The world was different when we raised our children. These topics weren’t as front and center. Our grandchildren are ages 8, 7 and 6.

We thank you in advance for your response and any further information on how to handle speaking to them. It is such a worry in this day and age.

Concerned grandma and grandpa

Mary Jo’s response: Thank you for your email. Consider this: Are the values you hope to share with your grandchildren different from the ones you gave your children? Yes, our world is changing, but open communication is a consistent way to teach young people. Making healthy choices about any risky behavior involves creating connection. Children need trusted adults who support them unconditionally. When they are faced with difficult decisions, an established connection with you will empower them to seek your wisdom.

Please note: Teaching about sexuality and teaching about the dangers of drug abuse are different. Sexuality is part of everyone’s life, even when sex doesn’t happen. Naming body parts correctly, being matter-of-fact about questions dealing with sex or pregnancy, and providing answers when asked are good places to start. Teach using “less is more,” but never fail to answer a question. The response: “You’re too young. I’ll answer when you’re older,” only teaches children to seek their answers from someone else! On the other hand, teaching little ones your grandchildren’s age explicit information on the dangers of drug use could be frightening. Find balance.

Here are some hints:

1. Teach healthy decision-making. Start with little things – “Why did you select that food at dinner? Why do you like that TV show? Why did you choose that music?” Most children love attention. They enjoy sharing their likes and dislikes. Discuss healthy choices and teach consequences, keeping your conversation age-appropriate. Ask, “What happens when you don’t listen to your parents? How does your life change when you follow directions correctly?” Focus on good choices and their positive results. Teach children to think critically.

2. Communicate with your adult children. What values and morals are they imparting to your grandchildren? You are a united front – share your concerns with your grandchildren’s parents.

3. Model a life lived with integrity. Children watch us. They learn by our actions more than by our words.

4. Empower. Have you watched an adult tickling a child? The child may be laughing but also crying out, “Stop.” We need to teach our children consent … how to say “no,” how to listen and obey when someone says “no.” Start young. When a child says “no” while being tickled, stop the behavior and explain your reason for stopping. An empowered child will deal with peer pressure differently than a little one whose voice hasn’t been heard.

5. Avoid teaching with fear and shame. Fear isn’t a good foundation for teaching, even when the topics are frightening to adults.

6. Articulate the obvious. Say, “You’re my grandchild and I will always love you, no matter what you do. You can come to me without fear. I may not like something you decide to do, but I will always support you.” Share joyful memories; I call these moments “February memories.” Each child has a unique spirit; just thinking about times with your grandchildren can make you smile in February! Tell them how precious they are to you.

Good luck.