On the lam again
Several months ago, my friend Lonnie and I were standing next to my car, shooting the breeze on a Saturday night. We tried several times to end the evening. We have a lot of conversations where we try to wrap it up. We will both say, “One more thing” and several one-more-things later, it’s midnight.
Late in the night, just as she was about to turn and leave for the final time, she looked over at the car and said, “You know that your inspection sticker expired months ago, right?”
I said, “Whatty what now?”
She was right (I realize I just put that in writing and there’s no going back).
The second she correctly surmised my car was long overdue for inspection, I went into panic mode. Driving home that night, I was terrified a cop would find me and write up a ticket. For months, I drove around content and happy in a totally oblivious state. Now I was panic-stricken. Every car that pulled out behind me was a potential police car. I could not contain my fear. Now I drove around like a wanted criminal.
The next morning, I found a mechanic who was open on Sunday and drove straight there. Once again, I was traumatized that I would be pulled over. I remember driving into the mechanic’s parking lot and saying “Whew!” out loud, like a comic book character.
Here’s the thing I didn’t remember: The month your car is due for inspection never changes. If you drove around 11 months and finally got your inspection in September, it’s still due again in October.
On Nov. 6, I discovered that my car was, once again, overdue for inspection.
I threw it into panic mode again. This time, I also criticized myself for being a bad adult. I mean, you get to make a mistake like that once, not twice.
I’m overdue for a colonoscopy, dental exam and a flu shot. I’m also carrying around expired coupons in my wallet, and I am holding onto a rain check that is six months old. At one point, I really wanted that gallon jug of diet, green iced tea.
Tuesday evening, I drove with trepidation to my favorite mechanic. Once more, I was on the lam.
Side note: I really thought the expression “on the lam” was “on the lamb,” as if criminals were escaping the authorities on the backs of sheep. I learned that lam is a noun that means “making an escape or hiding.” It’s also an intransitive verb. You can be lamming from the law, but I doubt anyone’s said that in the last half-century.
But I digress, like I do. I made it to the mechanic’s without incident. I was just as frightened to drive there as I was eight months ago. I pulled into the parking lot with the same sigh of relief.
I promise that next October I will make an appointment sometime between my birthday (Oct. 11) and Halloween. I don’t want to be lamming (I like it better as a noun) from the law again.