Oct 25, 2016 4 min read

It has been a boring Halloween season. A wave of scary clown sightings earlier this month briefly gave me hope that some kind of harlequin holocaust was on the horizon. I looked; I saw no clowns. Then I realized that people must have been talking about the presidential debates.

Really, what could be more horrifying? I expected one of the nominees to light a bag of dog poop on fire and put it in front of the other’s podium. But still, boring!

Where are protests by Wiccans who claim Halloween makes witches look bad? By parents who say scary costumes frighten their kids? By Christians who say that Halloween glorifies Satan? By consumers overrun by pumpkin spice products?

The only hint of a Halloween protest this year came in the form of an attempt by picketers in Kansas, who attempted to force a Spirit Halloween store to remove American Indian-themed costumes from its shelves on the grounds that they promote racism. Employees refused to do so, saying that decisions on stock are made at the corporate level.

Good. We need costumes to protect our thin skin.

Let me point out that I am a Caucasian male and, thus, less likely to feel stereotyped than an American Indian. Old, fat, white, short, bald? I’m all of that. However, I am not protesting Spirit’s “Bald Old Man” wig. Stereotype? Hey, at least you notice me.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not for a return to the heady days when people of color were OK only as athletes, entertainers and servants, and when women stayed home all day to cook, clean and have the kids sedated in time for the return of the breadwinner. And I think humor and tolerance are sorely lacking in 21st-century America. Washington Redskins is better than D.C. Custer Killers.

Let’s be realistic: If we ban American Indian-themed costumes, we must also ban costumes for women that reinforce stereotypes. A partial list from the Spirit website:

• Fight fire as Red Hot Fire Chief: A form-fitting, mid-thigh dress and red firefighter’s helmet. (Red leather knee-high boots not included because, you know, all women have a pair.)

• Keep our streets safe as Sexy Police, Sexy Skirted Cop or Sexy SWAT. Then slam the cell door shut on Sexy Jailhouse Hottie Prisoner.

• Search Halloween partygoers for banned objects as TSA Agent Tara U Clothes Off.

• Honor our female military personnel as Battlefield Babe, Pinup Sailor, Sexy U.S. Army or Sexy Special Ops.

• Save lives as Naughty Nurse, Sexy Nurse, Racy Midnight Nurse or Smokin’ Hot Nurse. (Doctor costumes are shown for females, but only in child sizes – because by the time a girl grows up, she will have been stripped of her misguided fantasy of becoming a physician.)

Why no protests over these? And how come no one is offended by Adult Sexy Naked Man Skin Suit?

Maybe because we’re too busy being offended by everything else.

Take, for example, the case of Alan Sorrentino, a 63-year-old Rhode Island man who wrote a letter to his local newspaper, stating, “The absolute worst thing to ever happen in women (sic) fashion is the recent development of yoga pants as daily wear outside the yoga studio.” Yoga pants, he continued, “can be adorable on children and young women who have the benefit of nature’s blessing of youth. … They do nothing to compliment a women over 20 years old.” To his credit, Sorrentino equated a woman’s wearing of yoga pants with a man’s sporting of a Speedo swimsuit at the grocery store: “Imagine if men did that. Yuck!”

On Saturday, three days after the letter appeared, about 300 men and women of varied ages marched to protest Sorrentino’s letter. Many wore yoga pants.

Sorrentino – who insists that the letter was meant to be a humorous break from the current streak of political vitriol – told reporters that he owns a pair of yoga pants and really has no issue with women of any age wearing them.

He added that he has received death threats. Over a tongue-in-cheek letter about yoga pants?

What a Namaste woman!