Grief has no timetable
Q.I read your column last week, and it got me thinking. My dad passed away last month – the day after my brother’s 21st birthday. I don’t know what to say to him. Everyone is so worried about him. They were really close, and it’s so close to his birthday. I don’t think he’s handling my dad’s death very well. He’s angry all the time. Do you think his grief is normal? As for me, I have a lot of responsibilities. I don’t have time in my life to be sad.
18-year-old
Mary Jo’s response: There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone grieves differently. Your brother may respond to your father’s loss with more or less sorrow than you – that’s OK. It may be more difficult for a young man to show sorrow, depending on his personality, his cultural definition of manly behavior and his peers. Boys are often taught their only acceptable feeling is anger. Accept and support him where he is, without judgment or comment.
There is no timetable for grieving. Each person deals with loss in their own time frame. Don’t pressure a grieving person to move on.
Grieving may involve extreme emotions, from guilt and anger to fear and despair. Death reminds us of our mortality. You and your brother are starting adult life; losing a father to help guide you as you reach for adulthood is painful. Try not to take your brother’s grief reactions personally. There is no normal way to grieve. Sit in silence with him if he wants company.
Grieving doesn’t respect schedules or responsibilities. Take time for self-care. It’s OK to be sad. It’s OK to take time to remember your dad, tell stories about him and feel how much you miss him.
Grief can evolve into clinical depression; a person who is clinically depressed will need professional help. Look for the following warning signs:
• Difficulty returning to the functions of daily life
• Hallucinations
• Neglecting personal hygiene
• Drug or alcohol abuse
• Feelings of hopelessness
• Talking about suicide
You don’t mention your parents or other trusted adults. Seek support from family or others who miss your dad. Many people find comfort in faith. If you feel counseling is needed, please reach out.
Alumni Peer Educator response: I lost my dad when I was young, too. I was only 13. It’s been a decade and I still think of him. I’ve come to realize thinking of him is good. It’s a way to remember the good times we shared. It’s OK to be sad. It’s OK to grieve. For me, when I think of him, I remind myself how lucky I was to have a good dad in the first place.