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Flight of the Masked Condor

3 min read

There are a lot of superhero TV shows and movies these days, and I’ve been wondering what sort of superhero would I be. If I could pick my powers, I’d pick flight.

I’ve chosen flight because super-speed sounds exhausting. I don’t like to run now. I don’t think being faster would make me want to run.

Super strength sounds like there would be an awful lot of heavy lifting. Besides, the strong guys always do a lot of property damage, and I don’t want to be sued. You pull one telephone pole out of the ground, and use it like a baseball bat to take out a getaway car, and the lawyers are going to swoop down. You just know Edgar Snyder is going to show up in court representing the bank robbers.

I want to be a flying superhero. I’m grooving on the name the Masked Condor. I also like Jetstream.

The whole thing sounds exhausting, though. I’d still have to hold down a day job, and I think I’d be too tired to fight crime after working 9 to 5.

Also, I get cold so easily. Flying around Pittsburgh in February sounds awful. Heck, flying around Pittsburgh in April doesn’t sound very good to me, either.

Picture it, I’m on WPXI as the Masked Condor or Jetstream or whatever. I’d have to defend my position on why I only fight crime on weekends, or when the temperature is above 65 degrees.

Gordon Loesch or someone would say, “Why didn’t you stop that robbery on the South Side?”

Then, he’d stick the microphone in my face and I’d say, “That particular crime happened on Carson Street during a Thursday at 3 in the afternoon. At that time, I was in a meeting at work. We were discussing whether we should use size-10 envelopes or go with the classier Monarch envelopes for a mass mailing.”

Side note: This was an actual discussion from a meeting at work.

I’d say, “And besides, what was I going to do? Fly over their head and drop water balloons?!”

Clearly, I’m going to need more than one superpower. I’m going to need flight, AND strength AND the ability to deal with the weather. I’d also have to be bulletproof if anyone was going to shoot at me.

I watched the Netflix superhero shows, and the ones who aren’t bulletproof are always getting patched up by Rosario Dawson. These guys are always bleeding. On season two of “Daredevil,” there was an episode where Daredevil lay on the sofa and recuperated. I’ll pass. I’m not crimefighting without bulletproof skin.

I haven’t even fought one crime, and I’m ready to hang up my cape and cowl. I guess my power is going to be Donator to Charity Man or Captain Opens the Door for People Who are Carrying Heavy Packages.

If the Justice League or the Avengers call, tell them I’m busy.

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