Driven to drive, but Mom says no
Q:My mom made me read your column last week. The one about fear. I didn’t hate it. Answer me this. What if the person who is afraid is your mom? It’s like she’s terrified something will happen to me. It’s been like this for forever. When I was little, it was “Don’t talk with strangers,” then when I was in middle school she was all, “Don’t be a bully,” and “Tell me if someone bullies you.” She has to know everywhere I go. She’s always saying, “What if you go to someone’s house and their parents aren’t safe?”
I’m almost old enough to get my permit. She’s saying I should wait till I’m 18. She says, what if I get in an accident and die? Man, I’m so over this. Please tell her I’m not going to do something stupid. I need to drive. I really, really, really need to drive. Thanks.
15-year-old
Mary Jo’s response: I’m glad you didn’t hate the column. Thanks for reading it and reaching out to me.
I’d like to discuss two things. First, I’d like you to consider your mom’s fears with empathy. Empathy is about connecting with another person; it is the ability to share someone’s feelings. Try to put yourself in her place.
Parenting is a huge responsibility; parenting well takes effort and commitment. The love a parent feels for a child is difficult to describe – it is intense and can feel overwhelming. Imagine a pregnancy of 40 weeks. A woman’s body changes, her every breath, especially in the last months, reminds her of the new life she carries. At birth, her body’s hormones usually transport her to a new kind of connection. Her baby becomes one of the strongest focuses of her life. Protecting her newborn becomes a primary goal.
As babies grow, so do parents. In time, many parents’ fears lessen, but nearly all parents need to resist dreadful images of their children in danger, just to allow those little ones a chance to grow and develop. Your mom is protecting you the best way she can. Her fears are based on “what ifs” … what if my child is lost, what if someone hurts my child, what if my child hurts another person. Her fears are common ones.
The best way to ease your mom’s fear is both simple and complicated. Your actions can show you can be trusted. Your words can comfort her. The combination of actions and words may help her cope with her “what ifs.” Wise actions and careful words may sound simple, but consistent behavior can be complex. It will take effort to reassure her.
Second, I’d like to validate your need for independence. In other words, at 15, you are feeling exactly what you should feel developmentally. One of your tasks during adolescence is discovering your identity. Your feelings are OK. Your intense desire to drive signals your wish to spend time alone – to find your own way. Seeking independence is also OK.
Independence frightens your mom, but excites you. Just as you once stood and walked away from her as a toddler, now you are ready to seek your own space. Perhaps your mom will react positively to this column; ask her to read it.
There are many factors guiding a parent’s decision about driving age; insurance costs are certainly important. Talk about your mom’s reasons for delaying your license until you’re 18. Share your wishes openly and honestly. Reassure her of your maturity. Model good decision-making.
Earn your mom’s trust and ease her fears by demonstrating your ability to make good choices and remain safe. Good luck.
Q:Will you please tell the frightened young person from your last week’s column that I am a 94-year-old man and I am often afraid. I loved your answer. Life is full of fear and of evil. It is also full of joy and of goodness. Thank you.
Mary Jo’s response: Done. I appreciate your kind words and your honesty.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.