Hot topics in hot water
I realize an opinion piece is probably the worst place to make this announcement, but I don’t like listening to other people’s opinions.
An astute reader will tell you that I have particularly strong views on everything, from the ridiculous names of bubble gum (Cobalt? Solstice? Rain?) to printed paper towels.
Side note: Do we really need “Despicable Me” Minion paper towels? Why do you want to wipe up spills with a Twinkie with a face? Why do only some of the Minions have one eye? That doesn’t bother anyone? It’s not like they have eye patches, either. They have one eye in the center of their head, like a banana-colored flashlight.
But I digress, like I do. I was soaking in the Jacuzzi at the gym, enjoying the bubbles. That’s when a stranger stepped in. He said hello, and I replied with a nod. I didn’t even speak. The dude, however, misinterpreted my cordial gesture as permission to open his big, giant yap. The conversation went from zero to blah-blah-blah in a matter of seconds.
Remember back when our parents warned us not to talk to strangers? At what age did we decide we were allowed to speak to anyone we pleased? Maybe we should reinstate that rule. For the record, I don’t accept candy or get into their vans … anymore.
It was an unwelcome conversation. I’m just too polite to say, “Shut your trap!”
I settled into the hot, bubbling water to relax, and this guy brings up politics. I don’t know a lot of things, but I know that you’re not supposed to discuss politics and religion, especially with people you never met before.
Regardless of affiliation, this motormouth’s stream-of-consciousness political opinions were not my idea of a relaxing conversation. I happened to agree with him on several key points. Yes, most politicians are dumber than a box of rocks. Yes, they don’t do anything. Yes, they get more vacation days than anyone.
I didn’t even want to nod, fearing a continued assault on my ear holes.
I was not responding, yet he never stopped flapping his gums. I find that most of these incessant blowhards don’t understand social cues. It was like a comedian performing to a quiet audience who insisted on doing his entire set. It’s like I was trapped in a hot tub with Larry David.
I stared at this guy and wondered, “Doesn’t he have his own people he can talk to about this?”
Did I look like I wanted to chat about the news? I’m not Charlie Rose … Matt Lauer … Lester Holt.
Side note: Lester Holt’s still safe, right? I didn’t miss a news cycle?
I didn’t like giving up my coveted spot next to the high-pressure water jet, but I had to exit the hot tub prematurely. I wasn’t even pruney yet.
P.S. I just wanted to express my sincere gratitude for all my readers out there. Now, I know what it’s like to put up with someone else’s wacky opinions.