Dec 14, 2017 4 min read

Q.My ex broke up with me over text. I thought that was rude, but I got over it. My mom found out. You’d think he killed me. She’s so upset. Is it a bigger deal than I thought?

-15-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Your mom’s reaction is generational. To her, breaking up over text is incredibly rude and disrespectful. I struggle to see it differently, but must admit to feeling “text break-ups” do show a lack of respect.

I also think a person who breaks up over text is worried about conflict. Hiding behind a text message means there’s less chance of confrontation. While I have empathy for fear, I am concerned. A respectful relationship is enhanced by communication. A face-to-face break-up may be more difficult, but speaks to a high regard for the individuals involved.

I acknowledge the differences in youth and adult culture. Check out our peer educators’ thoughts. I hope your future relationships are healthy and respectful. Good luck.

Peer Educator response: Honestly, we feel breaking up is no big deal because you’re young and life goes on.

You should always break up in person to not be rude, but sometimes a person may not feel safe. In that case, it’s better to do it over text, or at least a phone call. If most of your relationship was based on communicating through text messages, then a “We’re breaking up” text seems appropriate. If most of the relationship was face-to-face communication, then a face-to-face break-up is best. Again, stay safe. You know yourself better than anyone. Just because your mom thinks it’s a problem doesn’t mean it is. If you’re over the break-up, we think all is OK.

Q.Can I break up two weeks before Christmas, or is that a horrible thing to do? Please answer quickly. I kind of think it would be worse to do it right after the holiday. My friends think I’m just trying to get out of buying a present. Honest, that’s not it.

-15-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Holidays can make people act differently.

I think you need to be true to your feelings. Faking positive feelings just to get through Christmas seems like lying. I believe you – I don’t think this is about buying a present, but about being honest. Be respectful. If you’ve committed to a winter formal or holiday function, and your ex still wants you to go as friends, try to honor your commitment. Communicate with dignity, honoring the personhood of your ex. Treating others as you’d like to be treated is true with relationships as it is with other aspects of life. I hope your next relationship works out for you.

Peer Educator response: You can break up anytime you want. If a relationship isn’t right, you shouldn’t let the holidays or your friends’ opinions stop you from ending it. It’s best not to lead someone on when you’re unhappy. Don’t hold back, communication-wise. You should be able to say what you’re feeling. Sometimes life just has bad timing, and that’s OK. Think of it this way – your ex won’t need to buy a present for you, either. Money saved.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.