Dec 28, 2017 4 min read

Q.I don’t know you, but you taught my roommate, so I thought I’d ask you this. I’m a senior in college and graduate this May. I’m consistently on the dean’s list, am an RA, and I’ve completed a successful internship with a job offer for June. Not only can I take care of myself, I regularly handle emergencies in my dorm. Yet, when I come home on break, my mom constantly smothers me. It’s as if I turn into a 12-year-old when I walk in the house! Last night, as I was going up to bed, she actually said, “Don’t forget to brush your teeth!” How can I get her to see me as an adult?

~ 22-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: I’m glad you wrote to me. Your question helps others. Your concern isn’t uncommon. I’ve addressed similar situations before. Since it’s holiday break, and your question is almost universal, I will respond again. You aren’t at fault, and your feelings are valid.

There are two sides to every relationship. We often forget to consider our interactions with parents as relationships; we do not select our families, but the skills we bring to other relationships can help us relate to parents as we become adults.

Healthy relationships require two primary skills – the ability to develop empathy for another’s feelings and communication.

I often ponder how challenging it is for a child to understand a parent’s role. A parent’s job includes responsibility for raising a child without harm; protecting a child can consume a parent’s mind. Dreadful images of danger, real or imagined, can make some parents overprotective. When your mom looks at you, I’m sure she sees an accomplished young adult on the way to success. She also pictures a toddler. Time is elusive. To her, it may seem as if she blinked and you morphed into a grownup. When you’re at college, she is unaware of your daily life. When you’re at home, she slips into the role she’s held for 22 years. She hovers. She worries about minutia, including your dental hygiene. Developing the empathy to see this experience from her perspective is part of adulthood. If you become a parent, you may feel similar emotions. You may better understand her angst.

Communication is a skill; I’m sure you excel at communicating in your role as resident assistant. Being an RA is an incredible life experience. Have you tried communicating your feelings with your mom? Be up-front, but respectful. Once you graduate and secure employment, your time at home will be limited. Few jobs offer monthlong holiday breaks or summers off! Perhaps a conversation will ease the tension between you while you have time together.

In four decades of serving young people, I’ve encountered many teens who were the caregivers in their families. They prepared meals for younger siblings and took care of emotionally immature parents. These young people longed for a parent who was involved in their lives. The ability to see another’s perspective is an RA skill. Your mom’s smothering could be based on her own anxiety. Ask her why she worries so much. What was her relationship like with your grandparents when she was a young adult? Did she care for them? How did she leave home? Are your grandparents involved in her life now? Relationships don’t happen in a vacuum.

Give empathy and communication a chance. Our relationships with our parents are lifelong, even if they fail. I hope you can find common ground with your mom. Congrats on a successful college career.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.