Teach for the culture that exists
Last week’s topic of nude pics generated interesting comments.
Q:When our high school daughter was involved in sending a nude pic, I connected with you. I’m very grateful for your empathic, measured response. After sessions with you, she started talking with me more. She’s now in college, so I know this trend to send nudes isn’t new, but I think it’s getting worse. I read your column last week. Our youngest is in fourth grade. When should I start worrying about this? What’s going on?
Parent trying to keep up!
Mary Jo’s response: It’s wonderful to hear from you, and I’m pleased your college-aged daughter is doing well.
Culture changes; your older daughter’s culture is not the same as your younger child’s. What’s going on, in my opinion, is access to online technology at an accelerated pace. The type of questions I received from 10th-graders five years ago often end up in my current sixth grade Curiosity Bag.
Young people use available technology. Adults need to teach for the culture our children live within, not the one we wish they experienced. You ask when you should worry. I wouldn’t suggest worry per se, but I strongly recommend staying involved, communicating, and being realistic. Your influence on your own children is huge – please don’t minimize your importance as a role model and guide. You matter.
Begin teaching about body image, consent, privacy, boundaries and empathy as early as possible. These topics don’t need to be linked to sexuality – in time, it will be important to prepare children for the pressure involved in sending nude pics or watching pornography. Start small. Model respect for self and for your child. Stay current.
Communicating is a powerful vehicle for positive parenting. Try a communication exercise where you switch roles – you pretend to be your fourth-grader, and your child assumes the parent role. Pick a topic with a little tension – cleaning a room, doing homework, or finishing a chore. Ask your child, pretending to be you, what consequences will result if these tasks are not accomplished. Don’t forget to switch back to parent! Process the activity with an open discussion. Expand the conversation to include something your child wants – going to the movies, or visiting a friend. Discuss pros and cons of the activity. Be kind, but honest. Moving from these easy activities to communicating about phone use, boundaries and the pressure to send nude pics will take time, but is worth the investment.
Please don’t fear. You’ll be ready when your child needs you. Start enhancing communication today!
Q:My son wants a phone. He says all his friends have one (I checked. It appears they do). He’s entering eighth grade. I think he may be ready. If I give in, though, am I giving in to peer pressure? I’m concerned about the things I’ve heard about nudes being sent back and forth among teens. How do I protect him from this behavior?
Mary Jo’s response: I placed these questions together due to their similarity. I don’t think providing a phone for your son is caving in to peer pressure. By eighth grade, most young people do have phones. Set firm guidelines for phone use, and discuss consequences for violating those guidelines up front. Stay connected. Good luck.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.