Let’s talk about consent
Q.I want to my friend’s house last weekend on an afternoon. Her mom was there. She knew that there was a boy there, too. When her mom left for a little bit, the boy kept trying to kiss me even after I told him not to and pushed him away again and again. Then he kept touching my butt, and I told him again to stop. I pushed him away again. Then he kissed me on my cheek. I didn’t want any of this. I’m not hurt, but I’m kind of shook up. Should I tell my mom? I’ll be 13 this summer. He’s almost 15.
Mary Jo response: Yes, you should tell your mom.
Let’s talk about consent. A person gives consent when permission is granted to do something. You were clearly uncomfortable with this boy’s actions. Both your words (you said “no”) and your body language (you pushed him away) denied consent. You did not seek his attention, his touch was unwanted, and you didn’t want him to kiss you. You have a right to be shook up. None of this is your fault. You’ll be OK; it is important to talk about your feelings. Reaching out to me showed courage and wisdom.
It is never OK to touch or kiss someone without consent. The definition of sexuality is broader than many people think. Your body is your own; you alone decide who can touch it. Kissing and touching you may sound like a small violation of your person, but they are sexual acts, and they are not OK without your consent.
Even if you didn’t push him away, as soon as you said no, he should have heard you. Nothing should happen without consent. This shouldn’t have happened to you.
You’re describing a power situation with unequal partners. You did not seek his attention, yet he persisted. If this boy continues with this type of behavior, he may be the type of young adult who doesn’t understand sexual limits and seeking consent. Combining alcohol or drug use with this type of behavior can worsen the situation. Date rape is real. I believe someone needs to talk with him. Education can help and is important.
Please explain your feelings to your mom. Ask her to support you, and talk with your friend, her parents, and the parents of the boy.
Let’s continue connecting. Your feelings matter.
Peer Educator response: Definitely, tell your mom. It’s important to feel you can trust her. As you grow older, you’ll need her guidance. If she blames you for this, that’s not OK. Your mom should talk with your your friend’s mom. At this age, being alone in this type of situation can be risky. Your friend’s mom should have remained home. The boy had no right to act that way toward you, especially since you made a point you did not want to be touched by him. We think your friend should have told the boy to leave, since it was her house. You are a person and no person deserves this. No means no.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.