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A lesson before falling

3 min read

This week has been a bit of a struggle. I am taking clumsiness to a new height, and promptly falling from said height. It’s a long way down.

The week of gaffes started Monday, as most weeks do.

Side note: I am a firm believer that the week starts on Monday, not Sunday. I can’t call the end of my weekend the beginning of my week. That makes no sense. In a related rant, I don’t believe in calling 3 a.m. morning. It can’t be the middle of the night if it’s morning. Pick a side, Three A.M.!

But I digress, like I do. I began Klutz Week. Clumsily.

On Monday morning, I decided to wear a white shirt. That’s already a risky move for a first-class bungler. By lunchtime, I was covered in reddish-brown dots from collar to my ample waist area. Cherry juice from GNC’s Cherry Baby Smoothie freckled my formerly white shirt. I looked like a splatter victim in a cheap horror movie. I was the dude who stood in the corner while his best buddy got 40 whacks from a psycho killer’s mighty ax.

“Oh my God, Chip! No!”

On Tuesday, I sneezed. I know what you’re thinking, it’s just a sneeze. No. It was not. I bit my tongue in mid-achoo. Hard! The pain was excruciating, or as I said at the time, “Ek-thcrew-thee-ate-ting.” Ow, sweetie, ow!

I couldn’t talk for 15 whole minutes. That’s a lifetime for blundering blabbermouths like me. I wanted to tell everyone! I don’t understand why I’m compelled to tell the whole wide world I’m an idiot, but I seem to be hardwired that way. Nowadays, with Facebook, Twitter and Instagram you can alert a multitude you’re a dummy without having to physically say a word. I guess I’m lucky I live in such a modern age.

P.S. I had soup for dinner because it hurt so bad it was difficult to swallow. And, in case you were wondering, I did further damage, burning it with vegetable soup piping hot from the microwave.

On Wednesday, while getting dressed for work, I accidentally stepped on my belt buckle. I slid the belt into the first loop on my left hip as the belt dangled in front of me. For some reason, I moved forward and stepped on the metal protrusion on the buckle. I doubled over, my pants fell down around my ankles and I collapsed on my bed. There were no witnesses. It was the first time in a really long time that I was glad I slept alone.

On Thursday, I tripped over a shoe. It was a minor inconvenience, but my tongue still hurt, and that made it difficult to swear.

Second side note: The tongue is supposed to heal quickly. I must have really chomped on it because it hurt for days and days!

I got to Friday in one piece when I had to hand in this column. I will let you know if I survive the weekend, or, rather, someone will.

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