Meanwhile, back in the Hall of Justice
Holy grim and gritty superheroes, Batman! This week, the iconic superhero team “The Justice League” hits the silver screen, and I am hitting back. I will not be content, even while I sit here with my keg-sized Coca-Cola and trash bin-sized popcorn. These are not my Super Friends!
I knew things were going to be a lot darker than the Saturday morning cartoon version, but I didn’t expect it to be so radically different.
OK. I was kinda holding out for the Wonder Twins, Zan and Jayna, and their blue monkey, Gleek. If you’re not familiar with this less-than-dynamic duo, picture Donny and Marie dressed for a Star Trek convention, with pointed ears and purple leotards.
Wonder Twins side note: Jayna could change her shape into any animal, from an eagle to an elephant. Her twin brother could be any form of water, ice, steam and … water. It didn’t seem as lame when I was 10. Plus, the Wonder Twins would always telegraph their moves to their enemies by shouting out what they were going to do next. Jayna would yell, “Shape of a Tiger!” Zan would bellow, “Form of a wall of ice cubes!” That’s like Batman saying, “I’m going to punch your face now!”
But I digress, like I do. I get it. Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman are all big stars. It’s these other guys I don’t get. There’s a cyborg named Cyborg. “Inspired,” he said sarcastically. I guess they needed a diversity hire. You don’t want to face a swarm of extradimensional aliens and the EEOC.
Batman’s already facing OSHA charges; the other superheroes feel that the Bat Cave could be lit better.
I’m most upset about Aquaman. This barbarian with a trident is supposed to be Aquaman? He looks more like Captain Cave Man.
I always pictured Aquaman looking more like a colorblind Ken doll. The Saturday morning version wore green leggings and an orange tunic … he couldn’t possibly know anything about color palettes. Get Tim Gunn to the Hall of Justice, stat!
This Aquaman doesn’t look friendly. Aquaman was always the nicest hero on “The Super Friends,” unless you were a dolphin. He wasn’t so nice to marine animals. He wore dolphins like they were slippers, riding them through the waves like living, breathing jet skis. Here’s the thing. Dolphins are slippery. The only way he could possibly be holding on would be if he stuck his big toe in their blow holes.
Controlling sea creatures is a mean superpower. “I’ve enslaved these electric eels to do my bidding.” Lex Luthor and his Legion of Doom could make one career-ending phone call to PETA, and it’s crime spree time in Metropolis and Gotham City.
I’m curious. If you can talk to fish, would you be able to eat fish? You don’t get that buff on a steady diet of kelp.
I’m just jealous, really. I don’t think I’ll be cast in a big, superhero epic. They’re not looking for superheroes named Mildly-Amusing-Man, Captain Kinda-Funny or I-enjoy-reading-him-with-my-morning-coffee-man.