Nov 30, 2017 4 min read

Q.Let me say first that I love my family. I don’t always agree with them, though. I graduate from college this year. For the last three and a half years, I’ve been with the same man. He’s perfect for me. He treats me with respect, as I do him. We honor each other’s dreams. We share the same faith and similar life goals. When I describe him to my family, they approve completely, yet they’ve never met him. They think they’ve never met him because he lives on the other side of the country, but that’s a lie. They’ve never met him because he’s a different race than mine. My parents would say, loudly, they’re not racist. I grew up with them, so I know better. Their negative comments over my entire life prove they are. If I brought my boyfriend home, I fear they would condemn him and maybe me, too. When I returned to school after Thanksgiving break, he proposed. I’m going to marry him. Can you give me any hints for revealing his race to my family? His family accepts me and loves me. If I need to give up my family to be with him, so be it. I’d like to make it work so we can all get along, but I’m not naïve. Meeting him, no matter how wonderful he is, won’t change my parents.

23-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Congratulations on your engagement! I’m pleased you’ve connected with someone in a healthy relationship. Planning a future with a compatible partner is a wonderful thing. Your challenges aren’t rare, but I’m sure they’re causing you emotional angst.

In today’s world, many factors can cause discrimination in families – differences in race, class, religion, ethnicity, gender, sexuality, ability or age can cause loved ones to judge our choices. Even though you say you’re willing to give up your family to be with your fiancé, I can hear the frustration and hurt in your words.

I’m not sure I have hints for changing your parents’ feelings about race. As you wisely state, it is not easy to alter a lifetime of opinion. However, I can suggest a few ideas for navigating your future.

• Communicate with your fiancé: His feelings are vital. Exposing him to judgment is harsh. How does he feel about meeting your parents? Respect him. Listen to hear his true feelings. Honor him.
• Consider reality: Do you truly think your family believes they’ve never met your fiancé, or even seen a picture of you together, simply because of distance? In today’s culture, smartphones and tablets make pictures, videos, and face-to-face contact a breeze. Isn’t it possible your family suspects there’s a reason you’ve not introduced them to your boyfriend?
• Find an ally: You mention your parents, but no other extended family. Do you have grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles or cousins who may be accepting? Could you approach them for support before you talk with your parents?
• Choose revelation time wisely: Talking with your parents privately may help – or, bring an extended family ally. Stress the positives in your relationship.
• Talk with your fiancé’s family: Although they appear accepting and loving, have you discussed how they’re dealing with your differences? An open conversation with them is important. How do they cope with their extended family?
• Finally, as much as you do want your family’s approval, you are an adult. If your parents don’t budge in their views, they will miss connecting with you and sharing your life. The choice is theirs.

I hope your efforts are fruitful and acceptance is achieved. I wish you and your fiancé all good things.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.