Oct 26, 2017 4 min read

Q.How do you connect with someone in real life that you meet online. I don’t like bars and I don’t want to meet someone in a place like that. I’m online a lot. Here’s what happens. I’ll connect with a person online and we seem to get along. We’ll set up a meeting for coffee or maybe a meal, and then, I think, this is OK. But, after one time, or even after a few times, I don’t hear from these people again. I don’t know what it is, but after we meet and talk, nothing works. It’s making me feel insecure. Is it me? Am I not attractive enough? In high school I never had problems. I nearly always was with someone. Now, I’m out of school and working and I just can’t seem to connect. The people I work with are all much older than me and aren’t good prospects. Any ideas?

22-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: First, I need to reassure you. Feeling insecure about connecting with a new partner is very common. I think I could host a weekly group for people your age in exactly your situation. Knowing others feel as you do doesn’t make it easier, but it may ease your self-doubt. You are worthy. Have faith in your worth.

I don’t know what “attractive enough” means, but I do know each of us is unique. It isn’t necessary to attract large quantities of people; meeting a person who gets you as you are and wants to spend time with you is all you need. Remember, we are not only our outside selves, but also our minds and personalities and spirits. Connecting with someone is more than physical appearance.

Is it possible an online connection isn’t revealing your true self? I checked in with peer educator alumni in your situation (those who are working and around your age) to make sure I was on target with this question. They agreed. Creating a persona online is easy; making that perception match reality can be confusing to people we meet in real life. Perhaps, when you meet people face to face, they are surprised by the real you. Have you tried being transparent about who you are when you connect online?

I know you’re an adult. I also acknowledge my age and culture. In my 20s, it simply wasn’t possible to meet anyone online, since the internet didn’t exist. Please take my words within the context of our different cultures, as I add a caution. When you meet someone face to face with whom you’ve connected online, please do so in a safe, public place. The possibility of a person misrepresenting himself and herself online is real. I want you to be safe.

Here are some ideas for connecting:

• Volunteer. Find time to volunteer at a place where you can give of yourself. Not only will giving time help you meet others, it will help direct your attention from your anxiety about finding a partner.
• Take a class. Education is lifelong. You don’t need to take a college class, but joining a gym and taking an exercise class, or exploring a non-work-related interest, would open your life to new people and new experiences.
• Consider online dating services. I know many young adults who have met partners through these services, some of which are free. Most sites screen their applicants, so risk is lowered.

Finally, please continue to connect with me. Our alumni comments may ease your mind, as well. Good luck.

Peer Educator alumni: Wow, you are so not alone! Meeting people after high school, especially if you don’t attend college, is rough. Online connections are often awkward in real life. It’s not you, it’s the online phenomena. MJ runs a group called Refresh for 18-to-25-year-olds that meets on the weekends at Common Ground (53 N. College). She can fill you in. Don’t give up.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.