Sep 4, 2017 3 min read

Despite the experiences of most of the main characters in “Grimm’s Fairy Tales,” you can have a lot of fun in the woods. Here’s how.

But first, some words of advice. While in the woods:

• Don’t eat any fruit offered by a wizened old peddler woman.

• No matter how hungry or lost you may be, don’t take bites out of any houses made of gingerbread.

• Never talk to any old woman claiming to be your grandmother who has big ears, big eyes and big teeth. Especially the teeth.

Thus enlightened, we’ll move on.

Bit o’ Fun 1: If you’ve never rented a cabin located at the top of a steep secluded lane in the woods, the last 200 feet of which can be traversed only in a four-wheel-drive vehicle, I highly recommend you do so.

However, I even more highly recommend that first you buy or rent a four-wheel-drive vehicle. Either that, or put pedal to the metal a half mile from the cabin and try to swerve around any wildlife which have have come out to see the fool human driving a subcompact car at 85 mph up a steep secluded lane in the woods.

Bit o’ Fun 2: After you’ve driven hours to the cabin offices and the rental agent says that you have “only 4.7 miles more to drive,” go to your car, reset your trip odometer, take a picture of it, and take another picture of it when you arrive at the cabin.

Then re-enter the car, drive back to the rental agent and show her the cabin is actually 10.3 miles away. Stand over her, humming the tune to “Teddy Bears’ Picnic,” while she uses Wite-Out and a Sharpie to correct all the handouts that say “4.7 miles.”

Bit o’ Fun 3: If you’ve rented a cabin that has a wooden plaque beside the front door dubbing it “Bears Den,” take the Sharpie you stole from the rental agent and insert an apostrophe after the “S” in “Bears.” No one but a passing sylph or an English major who finally found work as a chambermaid will notice. But YOU’LL know, and you’ll sleep happily ever after.

Bit o’ Fun 4: Most cabins have some sort of journal or notebook in which guests can record how much they loved the stay. The bulk of the entries are effusive in their praise: “We saw three deer!”; “Hot tub was awesome!”; “Great time on our honeymoon!”

But why not write something truly memorable?

• “Great, secluded spot! Sound of chain saw and screams can’t be heard at all! We’ll definitely be back!”

• “Most of the deer we found stuck under the back porch wouldn’t fit in gas grill, so left some half-cooked legs in fire pit. Enjoy! P.S. Be careful if you get up at night. Ran out of fire wood, so used railing from loft.”

• “Kids loved trails so much, they never came back! Thanks!”

Bit o’ Fun 5: Go on the “Butterfly Walk” advertised in the regional magazine you found at the cabin.

Get down on your hands and knees and listen to the creatures complain.

“Why are we walking? We’re butterflies!”

“Shut up! It’s for the tourists!

They drove 4.7 miles to see us!”