Warning signs of abusive relationships
Q.My friend is in a relationship that I think is abusive. She won’t listen to me. Her boyfriend is always checking her phone. He gets all upset if she doesn’t text him back right away. He kind of blows up. My mom’s ex used to have a big temper like that. It’s scary when it happens. My mom said he was emotionally abusive and broke it off. My friend’s boyfriend tells her who she can hang out with and, since I’ve been telling her he’s not OK, he tells her she can’t hang out with me. How can you tell if a relationship is abusive? Maybe my friend will listen to you.
15-year-old
Mary Jo’s response: You’re a good friend. Trying to help your friend placed you in a difficult position. I’m glad you followed up by connecting with me.
Deciding if a relationship is healthy, unhealthy or abusive may not be as easy as you think. Signs may not be obvious, especially at first. As a friend, you are viewing the relationship from the outside. Your perspective isn’t affected by emotion. When you speak with your friend, try to do so with kindness and respect. Yes, she needs to be careful. If she thinks you’re judging her, she may not hear you.
Your experience with an emotionally abusive adult makes you cautious. You see aspects of your mom’s ex in your friend’s partner. Have you shared your fears with your mom or another trusted adult? Your mom might be a perfect resource. Please remember you are not a mental health counselor. Seek support from adults who can help.
The behavior you described could be a red flag for abuse in a relationship. The website https://www.breakthecycle.org/warning-signs lists the following warning signs for abuse:
1. Checking cellphones, emails or social networks without permission
2. Extreme jealousy or insecurity
3. Constant belittling or put-downs
4. Explosive temper
5. Isolation from family and friends
6. Making false accusations
7. Constant mood swings toward you
8. Physically inflicting pain or hurt in any way
9. Possessiveness
10. Telling someone what they can and cannot do
11. Repeatedly pressuring someone to have sex
I hope your friend reads this column and seeks support from an adult. Domestic Violence Services of Southwestern PA can be reached at 724-223-5481. Please give her my cell number. Please stay in touch.
Youth Champions
I’m proud of the teen facilitators who will make the 17th annual Sister to Sister Summit happen this Friday and Saturday at Citizens Library. Shout-out to these outstanding young people: Tamairra Bunge, Bailey Batch, LaShauna Carruthers, Grace Deep, Laci Deems, Hailey Duncan, Mayla Hobson, Toni Maurer, LaShae Naylor, Maggie Thompson, Maci Ward, Abby Wayman and Joy Wheeler.
Are you an adult interested in learning from young people? It’s not too late to join our Let’s Listen Youth Conference, from 8:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. Thursday, April 26, at Washington & Jefferson College. Registration is required. Email podmj@healthyteens.com or mpodgurski@washjeff.edu for information.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.