Aug 3, 2018 4 min read

Today I will talk about my gut bacteria. I might as well, because everybody else is talking about it these days.

Somewhere along the line, the articles in the magazines at the hair salon shifted, from discussions of the evils of dietary fat, to discussions about the magic of microbes.

While I’m glad fat is no longer evil, I’m reaching the saturation point with all this belly flora talk.

Medical science tells us we all have bacteria in our guts that, while disgusting to think about, is responsible for everything good that happens in our bodies, including our immune system, our energy, our brain activity, our skin elasticity, and our weight. The more of the good bacteria we have, the better we will function, feel and look.

So, I set about finding ways to add germs to my life. There are apparently three sources: environment, food and supplements.

First, environment. Apparently, one of the best ways to build good gut microbes is to be exposed to them in everyday life. Aha! I knew all along that keeping a spotlessly clean house is not only unnecessary, but potentially dangerous. Based on this, I have forgiven myself for not mopping the kitchen floor every day when my kids were little. I recently saw an episode of “Dr. Phil” about attachment parenting. A mother said she chose to continue breastfeeding her son to age 4, because it built the immune system. The doctor said, “No, you build the immune system by letting them play in the dirt.”

So, for those of you who just don’t feel like scrubbing the floor today, I say, it can wait. Go binge watch “The Crown” and don’t worry about it.

(I believe this newfound regard for everyday dirt may be the reason I can no longer buy antibacterial shower gel. Have you noticed? They don’t sell it anymore. Maybe it was killing off the good stuff.)

Moving on, the food. This is where things get tricky. I’m one of your more yogurty people, but that’s not enough.

Now they are saying we should add things like kefir (an extra-germy yogurt drink), sauerkraut (for me a twice-a-year thing), pickled vegetables left sitting in a warm kitchen and munched throughout the day (um, no thanks), and most wretchedly, a fermented drink called kambucha. The bottles sit there on the refrigerated shelf, enticing me with their fruit flavors and clever labels. I bought a raspberry-lemon one. It is fizzy and cold and tastes like carbonated pickle juice that’s gone bad.

Which leaves me with: supplements. A bottle from the supermarket boasted 5 billion active cultures, and it was the size of a Motrin tablet. Whatever these bacteria are, they are at once very, very tiny and very randy. Alas, they are fragile little beings. The TV commercials warn me that your average bacteria don’t survive past the stomach. You have to buy the special ones that are tough enough to make the whole journey.

We are walking a fine line here, though. There’s a big difference between the good germs and the ones that can make you sick. I once spent a very bad day with what I believe was food poisoning from a fish taco. Based on my own evidence, that bug not only made my life miserable, it killed all the good germs in its path. Not a week goes by anymore without news of a recall for bacteria in food. On one grocery shelf are the foods that put the good bacteria in, and across the aisle is a bag of crackers that could kill you.

All this talk of bacteria has allowed me to develop a mental picture of them. Mine come in a rainbow of colors, and are shaped like butterflies. Under a microscope, they are probably wiggly, repulsive gray blobs, but it’s my mental picture and they’re my germs, so I’m sticking with the butterfly thing. Now, I shall go and make myself an immune-boosting smoothie, with yogurt, kefir and the teeniest drop of that kambucha swill. I feel smarter, healthier, happier and skinnier just thinking about it.

Beth Dolinar can be reached at cootiej@aol.com.