How did my foot get there?
And now, another episode of “Mike Puts His Foot in His Mouth – an ongoing saga of a man whose mouth works twice the speed of his brain.” We join tonight’s episode already in progress, because – let’s face it – it’s always happening.
Ready to read about how I insist on saying the absolute worst thing at the absolute worst moment? If I’m in a social setting and people ignore my blundering and we change the subject, I’ll even circle back to it. It’s a gift. Remember, you should never listen to a gift that comes from the horse’s ass’s mouth.
It started at a bar – as many bad ideas do. I had gotten together with a group of actors, directors, producers and various other theater people, participants in this year’s Pittsburgh New Works Festival – a local festival of short one-act plays that begins at the end of August and carries through the month of September.
Side note: You should go. It’s a blast! You can learn more about it at www.pittsburghnewworks.org.
But I digress, like I do. I was about to tell you how my mouth should not be left unguarded in most social gatherings. I may have built up the suspense too long, but batten down the hatches, the verbal tornado is a’ comin’. It’s a Sharknado of embarrassment.
Picture it, Carnegie, earlier this month. It’s a Monday night in a quaint little tavern. My friend Amy introduces me to a lovely young actor. I smiled at the actor and said, “You look familiar.”
Granted, that sounds really cheesy, but that was far from the most embarrassing part.
I tried to place her. I had seen her somewhere recently.
Finally, the young woman named a show she was in last month. I said, “I saw that!”
She asked, “Did you come the first week or the second week? It was much better the second week.”
I blurted out, “Then – I definitely saw it the first week.”
Foot meet mouth. Honestly, my foot has been in my mouth so much I should put Listerine in my socks.
Aside: I hear there’s a surplus of the mouthwash at Station Square. That’s a derailment joke. Too soon?
I was lucky that the actor was intelligent and polite. She just continued her conversation, ignoring me. Normally, when someone ignores some dumb thing I said, I usually repeat it. Luckily, I did not this time.
The next day, Amy laughed and said, “Dave (her husband) and I talked about that on our way home!”
P.S. Amy laughs like Betty Rubble. It’s a hearty, helium-infused giggle. Her laugh usually makes me laugh, but not this time.
Someday, I will just shake a person’s hand and smile. I’d like to claim that I have learned a thing or two. I am making some progress – like erosion – it’s just taking millions of years.
If we’re at a party, please save me from my own nonsense. You’ll know when I say something idiotic – my lips will be moving.