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Space Force, assemble!

3 min read

Plenty of great stories in the news lately. Let’s see if you’ve been paying attention.

1) Last week, President Trump established his long-promised Space Force. What will its first mission entail?

a) Discovering what type of mustard goes best with Moon Cheese

b) Locating mysterious “Third Planet from the Sun,” mentioned by Jimi Hendrix on his “Are You Experienced” LP

c) Taking 93-million-mile-long extension cord to the sun to provide electricity for Puerto Rico

d) Finding missing astronaut Major Tom

e) Destroying last vestiges of secret movie set at Area 51, where the Apollo 11 moon landing was staged

2) Space Force – Relaunch: How will Space Force be funded?

a) Orbit! Official Chewing Gum of Space Force!

b) Personal check from V. Putin

c) Jockey Zoom! Official Underwear of Space Force!

d) Sales of “Astronaughtys”: A digitized version of a slightly risqué made-for-cable movie produced by Playboy in 1976 with a cameo appearance by D. Trump as “Donny Mercury”

e) Ransom paid by parents of detained immigrant children.

Now let’s look at how France is encouraging its male population to boldly go where no man has gone before.

Seeking to curb urination on Paris streets, city officials have installed public urinals housed in flower boxes painted bright red. They’re fully visible on sidewalks, don’t have modesty panels and announce their presence with signs using a stick figure of a man urinating. What were some of the advertising slogans floated, but nixed, by Paris officials?

a) Pee? Oui!

b) Better than going in Seine!

c) I tinkle, therefore I am!

d) Peeing and nothingness!

e) We’re No. 1!

  • Continuing our trip downward, we come to a business that used to be conducted mostly underground: funeral services. Transit for London banned “edgy” ads from Beyond, a company that bills itself as “the U.K’s most trusted companion for everything after life.” One banned ad for cremation services pictures a couple in swimwear running along a sunny beach carrying coffin-shaped surfboards. Designed to look like a vacation promo, the ad touts “roasting temperatures” of 870 degrees on a “once in a lifetime” trip – with the fine print reading “one way.” Beyond says it is “breaking the taboo” of talking about funeral services and prices. A statement on the company’s Facebook page explains: “When something is taboo, as with death, it creates an environment where bad actors can operate. And our fear of engaging on the subject – creating that shared code of silence – allows predators to rip us off.” Following the transit ban, Beyond’s business – unlike the recipients of its services – took a turn for the better.

So, in an effort to compete with Beyond, which “edgy” slogans might other aspiring funeral services companies adopt?

a) Death: Better than watching “The Voice!”

b) Into the coffin; off to the chapel; nuthin’ but grave!

c) Wait till you die to make an ash of yourself!

d) We will bury you!

e) Our services are a hearse of a different color!

In an effort to catch up to the Russians, let’s close with yet one more Space Force question: What will the motto of Space Force be?

a) Rockets! They’re what’s for launch!

b) Semper High!

c) To Serve Man

d) We don’t improvise; we planet!

e) Space Force: Because providing health care is just too expensive

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