There is no statute of limitations on a person’s response to trauma
Q.I’m an adult, not a teen, but I notice you answer adult questions too. I’m writing to you for two reasons. My wife had you for sex ed and said you would be able to help, and I’d like you to talk about my concerns in your column. I’m an adult male survivor of child sexual abuse. It happened when I was 10 and 11. The abuser was a family friend. It took me 22 years to disclose. The scandal about the Catholic Church triggered me. I’m having nightmares again. Can you please teach people about abuse, especially for boys. I’m sick of hearing that I should have fought my abuser. I’m tired of people saying it was long ago and I should be over it. Thanks.
Triggered 37-year-old
Mary Jo’s response: Thank you for your courage. Sharing your story can help another. You are a person of great worth. You matter. Your story matters.
I’m also grateful for your wife. Her support can help you heal, and her encouragement helped you reach out. You are not alone.
I’ve served young abuse survivors since the ’70s. I’m also an authorized facilitator for the Darkness to Light Stewards of Children child abuse prevention program. Your experience is not uncommon. I wish this recent scandal didn’t trigger memories of trauma, but I am confident you will be able to cope.
I hope you’ve seen a counselor or therapist who specializes in trauma-sensitive care. If you need someone, please connect with me again. There are several outstanding therapists in our community whose work with survivors is nurturing and empowering. Seeking a counselor is a sign of strength, not weakness. If you had a physical wound, like a fractured limb, you’d seek help from an orthopedic health care provider. Emotional wounds are no different. Their invisibility doesn’t mean they are not real.
Education about sexual abuse is needed; your brave letter gives me a chance to teach.
Triggering refers to the feelings a survivor experiences when something causes a negative emotional response to a past trauma.
One of the symptoms of post-traumatic stress is nightmares or flashbacks. The news triggered your nightmares. I am a fan of Mr. Fred Rogers, the gentle creator of a television neighborhood where all children are accepted and loved. Mr. Rogers once said that we are “all one piece.” I agree. Our bodies, minds and spirits are connected. Research shows the body remembers trauma. Children who experience trauma, or ACEs (adverse childhood experiences), often face long-term, lifelong physical and emotional challenges. Healing is possible. You deserve a chance to heal.
Male survivors face many of the same effects as other survivors, with some additional challenges unique to masculinity in our culture. The idea that a boy should be “strong enough” to fight off an abuser can lead to self-doubt and shame. Abuse is about power; adults always hold more power than children. The assertion that boys can defend themselves is twisted and demeaning. Such comments add to the harm done by the abuser. Abuse is never, ever a child’s fault. Never.
Disclosing abuse takes time for many reasons. Many survivors are afraid the abuser will hurt someone they love, or return and hurt or even kill them. Children may fear no one will believe them. I counseled a young person for over a year when he was 11; every session he began with the words, “Do you believe me?” Abuse survivors may imagine themselves in another place during abuse – these memories can be repressed for a long time. Again, I honor your courage in disclosing.
More information on male sexual abuse can be found at: https://www.rainn.org/articles/sexual-assault-men-and-boys.
I always try to see a young survivor again at puberty. Sexuality is complicated. The body reacts to stimulation, even if it is unwanted. If I think about chocolate, my mouth waters. If the body is stimulated sexually, it responds. These automatic, typical responses in no way mean a young survivor was complicit in the abuse. Sorting out one’s sexual identity at puberty is a vital task; young survivors may need guidance as they process their sexuality.
As with grief, there is no statute of limitations on a person’s response to trauma. You should not “get over it.” I wish you the courage to seek support for healing, and I pray you will find joy in life. One of the teens I counseled summed up his response to healing by telling me, “I need to enjoy my life. If I don’t, I let the abuser win.”
I salute and honor your ability to step past your vulnerability and seek education for others on this important subject. Please remember your worth. May you be blessed.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.