Is it OK to break up right before Christmas?
Q:Is it wrong to break up right before Christmas. I asked my mom, and she said it was a mean thing to do, but I think it’s only prolonging the inevitable. What do you think?
16-year-old
Mary Jo’s response: My first thought is how pleased I am at your mature consideration of someone else’s feelings. Too often, people of all ages end relationships without empathy. I’m glad you’re carefully pondering your breakup.
Only you know what’s happening in your relationship. There are many reasons for breaking up. I think dating/relationships in adolescence are a way to test our likes and dislikes in potential partners. In some ways, it’s an educational experience. When we reach adulthood, we will – hopefully – gain the maturity to connect with a companion who is right for us. High school can lead to drama-filled, peer-influenced relationships, where it’s tough to know if they’re healthy or not.
If you think there’s a possibility of staying together, a conversation is vital. Talk through your reasons for wanting to break up. Be honest, try not to lay blame, and be kind.
If, however, you are sure breaking up is best for you – and, perhaps for your partner – then the holidays shouldn’t delay your split. Pretending to be OK just for show, and then breaking up as soon as the new year arrives, seems duplicitous and unfair.
There’s an art to respectful break ups. You may not like my suggestions, but they come from my heart. Very few people go through life without the challenges of failed relationships. Consider how you’d want to be treated.
1. Please don’t break up via text, or on social media, or through another person. Have the courage to break up in person, with respect.
2. Be kind. A respectful breakup doesn’t hurl insults or call people names.
3. Keep your relationship challenges private. Try not to air your concerns in public; respecting someone means you discuss private issues alone, not with an army of advisers.
4. Avoid negative talk about your ex. Simply say the two of you aren’t right for one another at this moment in time.
May I also suggest you talk with your mom again? It’s possible she’s trying to protect both of you. Share your thoughts with her and offer your reasons for breaking up now. Respect her advice. Honor her. Continue communicating with her. She knows you well, and may offer a new perspective.
Good luck with a grownup decision!
Peer Educator response: It’s not wrong to do what is right for yourself. It’s tough, but no one should stay in a relationship they don’t want to be in, regardless of what time of year it is. It’s just unhealthy and builds up broken trust. If you feel you don’t want to be with your partner anymore, then you should absolutely not force yourself to stay in a relationship because of guilt.
Q:I broke up with my boyfriend, and he wants back because he says he hates holidays if he’s single. Would it hurt to get back together just for a few weeks?
15-year-old
Mary Jo’s response: If your reasons for initially breaking up are unchanged, then getting back together simply because your boyfriend doesn’t want to be single over the holidays could be emotionally damaging to you, or to him, or to you both.
I know ex-partners who remain friends and see one another socially after a breakup. Often, the breakup was a respectful, kind and gentle parting. If you’ve maintained such a friend relationship, you can easily hang out over the holiday break, visit each other’s houses, or do something fun together, just as friends. There’s no need to be in a relationship to keep your ex from being lonely. You can ease loneliness by sharing friendship.
The challenge with reinstating the relationship for only a few weeks deals with emotional well-being. How will you feel when the holidays end? How will he feel? Will you associate these few weeks with joy or with pressure to act as if you care for him differently than you do?
Relationships are tricky. Communicate openly and share your feelings. Does your ex retain feelings for you? Is this his way of getting back together? Please consider long-term emotional health when you make your decision. I hope your holidays are bright.
Peer Educator response: At 15, relationships feel so serious, but in the long run they’re not as serious as they now seem. Getting back together with someone just for the holidays only because they don’t want to be single seems immature and pointless. It probably would be best to remain friends.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.