Jan 4, 2018 4 min read

In honor of the 14th consecutive year of the Ask Mary Jo column, I’m printing a vintage question from January 2018. Sadly, the topic remains relevant.

Q.I don’t know how to decide if I should narc on someone. The someone is my sister. I know that she’s drinking and I’m pretty sure she’s sleeping around, but our parents are clueless. They think she’s this perfect person. It doesn’t help that my grades are crappy and I’m always in trouble at home. But I don’t do any serious stuff, I just get in trouble for doing dumb stuff like forgetting to take out the trash and stuff. I’m afraid if I tell on her they’ll think I’m just jealous. I’m also afraid if I DON’T tell them she’ll end up pregnant or dead in a car wreck. I know for a fact that she drove home drunk over the holiday break. The really bad part is she knows that I know, but she’s sure I won’t tell. Or if I tell she’s sure they won’t believe me. Any advice?

14-year-old male

Mary Jo response: When young people ask for advice about problems, I often believe they already know the right answer. I hear you telling me your concern for your sister is strong; you were motivated to go to me for help. Doing the right thing is often not easy, but the right thing to do is still right. Yes, you should speak with a trusted adult.

Your fear no one will believe you may or may not be justified, but doesn’t take away the very real concern that your sister may be taking serious risks. Make certain you have the facts. Only speak about what you know – don’t speculate. Be honest. Examine your motivation closely. Are you exaggerating the situation because you’d like to see your sister in trouble? Is she genuinely taking risks? If she is, then protecting her should be a priority.

How do you think your parents will react to this news? Will they overreact? Remember your family can be larger than just your parents and sister. Do you have a grandparent, uncle or aunt who can make this situation easier? If you prefer to keep the problem within your immediate family, there are still several ways to approach the issue. Here are some possibilities:

• Talk with your sister first. Be honest. Tell your sister you’re worried about her. Your sister may react poorly, but at least you won’t be going behind her back when you speak to an adult in your family.
• Have a plan in place to speak to your parents before you talk with your sister, and follow it, no matter how she reacts. Her risk-taking is a big deal. You are not responsible for keeping such a serious secret. How would you feel if something horrible happened to her? Isn’t it better to face her anger than to see her suffer serious consequences due to her behavior?
• Get support and take care of you. Talk to a trusted adult about your situation and take time to think about other things. Your job is to concentrate on your own life, work hard in school, make friends, and enjoy being 14.

Peer Educator response: Most of us felt that you should tell your parents. Underage drinking is serous, and driving while drunk makes it more dangerous. We think you should only speak up if you’re certain of her behavior. Don’t tell rumors. Some of us have experience with this exact situation. Talk with your sister first and express your concerns. Don’t speak out of anger or jealousy, but only to protect her. A lot depends on the type of parents you have – if your parents are fair and will not overreact, then telling them should be easy. One way or another, it’s better to say something now before it’s too late.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.