Jul 30, 2018 3 min read

I am reporting from the eye doctor’s office. I can’t see anything right now. The doctor just dilated my eyes, and my pupils are gigantic. I look like a cartoon character. Think Speed Racer before he crashes.

I’ve gone from the main waiting room to a smaller, secondary waiting room. Progress!

The attendant just called me back in.

The doctor has a funny name that makes me laugh. I can’t tell you what that name is, because he hasn’t signed a release form. In this story, we will call him Dr. Boobie.

The good news is they no longer blow air into your eyeball when they test you for glaucoma. The bad news is that the new test is even more frightening. They push a blue light toward your eyeball and see how close they can get it before you freak out. I lost this game. It was like being attacked by a K-Mart Blue Light Special.

Then, we played a round of my favorite sport: “Better or Worse?” I am terrible at this. Dr. Boobie had to hear me say, “One. No. Two. Can I see one again?” ad infinitum.

He swapped out a lens and said, “One or two?” I said, “I see qualities of one I like – and qualities of two I like.” I’m an optimist at the ophthalmologist’s.

After that test was done, he got out his flashlight and looked into my eyes. His head and my head were closer together than I like heads to be. It was almost skull-to-skull contact. I started to giggle. When you’re moving in, I need a heads-up (literally and figuratively).

I joked, “I’m glad I didn’t eat that everything bagel this morning.” I joke when I’m nervous. I joke all the time. It’s a hard habit to break.

The good news is my prescription has not changed. I walked out to see the woman in the window. She handed me paperwork and I said, “My pupils are dilated. I can’t see this.” She laughed and said, “The visit was free because of your insurance, but it was $35 for your prescription.”

I said, “He just said my prescription hasn’t changed.”

She said, “It hasn’t. How would you like to pay for that?”

I wanted to say, “I don’t get this. It hasn’t changed, but I’m paying anyway? He just told me I could keep my glasses another year.” Instead, I handed her my Giant Eagle Advantage card, assuming it was a credit card. Once she rejected it, I handed her a card for a free smoothie, but that wasn’t an acceptable payment, either.

Finally, I got the credit card into her hands, paid and walked out into the bright, blinding sunshine.

The parking lot was across the street. I wondered, as I squinted at my surroundings, “How many people leave here and get run over?” The answer is “almost one – today,” but the guy in the red truck stopped just in time.