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Honesty important when sorting out relationships

5 min read

Q. There’s nice guy in my school who is different. My mom said he’s “on the spectrum.” I know he likes me. I talk to him, but I only want to be his friend. As school started to come to an end this year he got a little clingy. He didn’t do anything inappropriate or anything like that. He just kinda was there all the time, you know? Like, I’d walk out of homeroom and he’d be standing there. Or, I’d be at my locker at the end of the day and he’d show up. It’s not creepy or something. He’s always respectful.

Here’s my question. Am I leading him on by being nice to him? Does he think I’m going to go out with him? Am I encouraging him? Will he be hurt when I won’t go out with him? Or, are guys like him not even interested in romance or sex? Now that school is out, he’s my friend on social media. Once and a while he says hi or something but he’s still not inappropriate. What is the right thing to do?

-17-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: Your question shows empathy and sensitivity to the needs of others. You ask how to do the right thing. You are also aware of the complexities of relationships. I’m impressed with your maturity. Thank you for writing.

First, the fact that this young person is ‘on the spectrum’ doesn’t mean he’s not interested in a relationship. One of the philosophies of my “Me Too: Real Talk about Sexuality for People of ALL Abilities” book and program is basic: All people are sexual beings; not all people want to be sexual.

Two myths surround individuals who are atypical; 1. They are not interested in a romantic or sexual partner because they are childlike, and 2. They are obsessed with sex and can become sexual predators. Both are untrue. Each of us is unique. An autistic person’s sexuality and desire for romance will vary in intensity, just as any other person’s will vary. We are all unique. I’m pleased you treat this nice guy like any other nice guy. Being nice to someone is part of what makes us human.

Second, you raise an interesting question. Can two people be friends when one person wants more? Are you leading him on by being friendly? I don’t think so, but body language speaks loudly. Talking with someone as a friend is different than flirting. Flirting alludes to the possibility of more. If you know he likes you, and you only seek friendship, it might help to be honest with him. Confronting someone gently, empathically, and with respect is a great first step. Be honest. Say, “I like being your friend. I don’t want to be your girlfriend.” It may sound harsh, but it would clearly convey your intentions.

Finally, you repeatedly share how he is appropriate in his encounters, yet you also describe him shadowing you. You say his behavior isn’t creepy. I wonder.

How do you really feel about him showing up at your locker or after homeroom? Would you react differently to him if he wasn’t on the spectrum? Would you feel the same way if another friend appeared frequently during the day? Consider your own personal needs and boundaries. Again, talk with him, gently but honestly.

Be respectful to him. Be honest with him. Help him understand your feelings. Treat him no differently than a more typical person who is interested in more than friendship when you are not. Don’t assume. He may only think he’s being friendly, although your instincts may be correct. Remember, it is a compliment when someone admires you, but you shouldn’t move from a friendship to a more involved relationship unless you feel the same way. Communicate with kindness, but do not feel obligated to be more than friends with this young man or anyone.

Good luck sorting out a challenge most people encounter at one time in their lives. Relationships, from parent/child to friends to employer/employee to significant other, all take effort and honest communication to work well.

Peer educator response: People are odd sometimes. It’s good that you’re both respectful to each other. That’s super important. We think you should be honest. Ask him how he feels if you don’t know for sure. Communication is key. Kindly explain you just want to be friends. Treat him no differently because he’s autistic. Being friends is great. Don’t be mean or dismissive to him. If he respects you, he should respect your decision to talk about this.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com

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